MIL has dementia, family fighting

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New Member

Date Joined Sep 2013
Total Posts : 1
   Posted 9/4/2013 5:43 AM (GMT -6)   
My mother in law has dementia. 3 years ago I told my husband something was wrong. He spoke with his sister (the favorite child) and nothing was done. This happened over and over for about 6 mths. I finally corned my sister in law and told her there was a problem and gave her some advice in what to do. For the 13 yrs I've been with my husband his family has treated me like a cute dumb girl (I'm 10 yrs younger than my husband). My MIL especially would make rude comments about me in front of everyone then say it was a joke. Since she had gotten sick I got in a bad accident (hit by an 18 wheeler). My first day off work I took her an appointment. Ever since I have listened to the family (my hubby, the daughter, who is also married and the husband, moms husband but not dad) fight. They fight over everything. My husband tries to play peacemaker, my brother in law ignores or only supports his wife . My sister in law and father in law explode on each other. I watched this for months and saw my MIL just get worse, so I just started handling it. Now almost 2.5 yrs later I'm the prime caregiver, in pain management and my father in law had a heart attack. The fighting has not stopped, in fact its worse. My sister in law shows up once every 4-6 weeks, ignores anything I've set up (elder care that comes in, food prep, doctor appointments, clothing, hygiene care) and does what ever she wants. For the day or 2 she is present (she lives in area, but still only comes by once a month or so) I've spoken to my husband. Begged him to talk to her, His mother gets worse after this craziness, her husband gets mad and I've got even more on my plate calming everyone down. Instead my husband comes back saying he's stuck in the middle between his wife, his sister and his mom's husband. Since my mother in laws husband had the heart attack this have gotten worse but I've managed both the heart attack situation and her dementia. All doctors have told me to continue on as is, they are doing good. Now I'm hearing constant phone calls from outside friends and family giving my husband "poor babies" and your doing a great job, keep it up. No body in this situation is doing anything but me! When they do try to help they ignore everything set up and I spend more time away from my family and my medical situation having to fix it.
I want to grab my kids and leave. Leave this whole family to deal with it themselves! But I know doing that will hurt the people who need it the most my mom in law and father in law. What do I do!?

Veteran Member

Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 2386
   Posted 9/4/2013 4:20 PM (GMT -6)   
Welcome to Healing Well! Have you talked to your hubby on how you really feel about how you are ready to leave with the kids? It sounds like a good sit down talk is in order. Where is your mother in law staying? With you? If so, you can by all means not allow your sister in law in the house and say she isn't welcome. Your husband certainly needs to know how you feel, all of it hon. Talk to him.
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Regular Member

Date Joined Apr 2013
Total Posts : 22
   Posted 9/5/2013 12:06 PM (GMT -6)   
I'm so sorry you are feeling so overwhelmed and ready to leave! I second smurfyshadow - please consider talking to your husband about everything that you shared here and how you feel.

Praying for you!!

Gizzy'n me
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Date Joined Jun 2013
Total Posts : 1870
   Posted 9/5/2013 6:26 PM (GMT -6)   
To jad18 .......
   So sorry to hear you're in the middle of this. Your husband is too, but it sounds like in a much different way. I would wonder if you and your husband would gain benefit from seeing a couples counselor. Not for the typical reasons ... but it does sound like your husband, at least, is not recognizing what you're doing, and that it's mostly for the benefit of his own mother.
   He does need to take a stand with his own family ... and probably should be the one to make peace with and/or to tell his own sister to butt out - since she chose not to be one of those to take care of her own mother.
   I think it would be very beneficial, if when meeting with a couples counseler, that you should make your own statements - about your own feelings regarding the care of your MIL. It should make you feel better, and it might even make your husband realize sone things he has been taking for granted.
   I am an only child, and hardly a child .... but a divorced Dad of two daughters with some serious health issues of my own. I have dreamed of having a brother or a sister - or both - to for one, help me with all of the things you've been doing.
   Now you make me wonder!
   But anyway, in looking ahead ... many difficult decisions will have to be made for a least one if not two seniors in the future. My Mother, three years ago after a fall that hospitalized her, was told she could not go home unless she had 24/7 care ... which is what I did. It worked well for 15-months, even though a couple of evening episodes happened that were scary.
   She was then hospitalized after one of those episodes. And after several weeks of psychiatric observation in the hospital, she was allowed to leave - but only if going to a facility with a full-time nurse on staff. So for almost a year now, she has been in a well-run facility fairly close-by that specializes in dementia and parkinsons patients.
   It has taken her a long time to accept not having her own home - and most importantly - calling her own shots! But she has. She looks forward to many of the games they play there, and getting her hair done twice a month, and her nails done twice a week, and the entertainment that comes in 5 or 6 times a month. And everything is clean and well-managed - but costly!
   Last month, her homehad to be sold. It was vacant for the past eleven months - and frankly her savings were getting low.
   Please keep in mind, you don't want the whole family arguing about any of the things in the above three paragraphs - when they come. And they will come. And you do want the full support of your husband before those times come. He needs to bear some of the pain - and work.
   Best of luck to you ..... think about that couples counselor.
Initial Dx of PCa in 2003/2004
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Zytiga from January 2012 (5-months) - PSA increase
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Taxotere from August 2012 (30-weeks) - PSA from 54+ to 12+
No chemo (8-wks) - PSA from 12+ to over 23
Xtandi - June to Aug - 2013 - PSA to 66.5
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