To jad18 .......
So sorry to hear you're in the middle of this. Your husband is too, but it sounds like in a much different way. I would wonder if you and your husband would gain benefit from seeing a couples counselor. Not for the typical reasons ... but it does sound like your husband, at least, is not recognizing what you're doing, and that it's mostly for the benefit of his own mother.
He does need to take a stand with his own family ... and probably should be the one to make peace with and/or to tell his own sister to butt out - since she chose not to be one of those to take care of her own mother.
I think it would be very beneficial, if when meeting with a couples counseler, that you should make your own statements - about your own feelings regarding the care of your MIL. It should make you feel better, and it might even make your husband realize sone things he has been taking for granted.
I am an only child, and hardly a child .... but a divorced Dad of two daughters with some serious health issues of my own. I have dreamed of having a brother or a sister - or both - to for one, help me with all of the things you've been doing.
Now you make me wonder!
But anyway, in looking ahead ... many difficult decisions will have to be made for a least one if not two seniors in the future. My Mother, three years ago after a fall that hospitalized her, was told she could not go home unless she had 24/7 care ... which is what I did. It worked well for 15-months, even though a couple of evening episodes happened that were scary.
She was then hospitalized after one of those episodes. And after several weeks of psychiatric observation in the hospital, she was allowed to leave - but only if going to a facility with a full-time nurse on staff. So for almost a year now, she has been in a well-run facility fairly close-by that specializes in dementia and parkinsons patients.
It has taken her a long time to accept not having her own home - and most importantly - calling her own shots! But she has. She looks forward to many of the games they play there, and getting her hair done twice a month, and her nails done twice a week, and the entertainment that comes in 5 or 6 times a month. And everything is clean and well-managed - but costly!
Last month, her homehad to be sold. It was vacant for the past eleven months - and frankly her savings were getting low.
Please keep in mind, you don't want the whole family arguing about any of the things in the above three paragraphs - when they come. And they will come. And you do want the full support of your husband before those times come. He needs to bear some of the pain - and work.
Best of luck to you ..... think about that couples counselor.