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SusieWV
New Member


Date Joined Mar 2014
Total Posts : 3
   Posted 3/22/2014 3:50 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi, I am new on here. I seem to have nobody to talk to, at least not someone who would understand.
My father is 89 years old and has been in a very nice nursing home for 7 or more months. I love my Dad so much and at first I started going to see him almost every day. He seemed like I was helping a little. My step mother and I are the only close relatives so we started going every other day and that went well for awhile.
Then I started going and he doesn't know me, walks off from me looking for someone else or just sitting not talking at all. I have truly been devastated by this...I have had servere depression for years. I sit in there with him and end up crying, even though I try not to. I have health problems COPD and cannot drive myself. My husbands takes me and either waits or picks me up later. By the time I get out of there I am hardly breathing, tears eyed and my mouth feels like sand is in it. dry and can hardly move.
I have been in the hospital 2 different times for attempted suicide. I am feeling suicidal and put off going to see him.....then I feel guilty for not going to see him and even get more depressed.
I am responsible for watching my grandchildren...one who is 3 weeks, 4 years and two older ones while their parents work. I want no part of getting down again. My family couldn't handle it if they found out. They have already put up with too much from me.
I still see a mental health dr. On a regular basis but trying to get through this without too much drama

I find this altizmers simply worse than death...my father is there but yet he is gone. I have dealt with all kind of issues and I am 63 years old but I cannot deal with my Daddy in this state. I am a real mess...I want to help him but I feel like I am such a terrible daughter. I love my Dad so much. I am hopeless. Susie WV

E

    Gizzy'n me
    Veteran Member


    Date Joined Jun 2013
    Total Posts : 1870
       Posted 3/23/2014 1:43 PM (GMT -7)   
    I hear you -
                      and I've been there!
     
    Please vent about it!
     
       There's not much very comforting i could say - except I have too good of an idea of what you're going thru. That may be of some comfort!
     
       My Mother just passed two months ago - while in an Assisted Living Home for Dementia and Parkinsons for 16-months. And before that, she did have a 24/7 caregiver in her own home for 15-months.
       Her diagnosis was dementia just before the 24/7 caregiver started - when she was in a hospital after falling down at home - and being virtually helpless to get up herself.
       I too have COPD ... so i know the limitations that one can be under ... and how stress can magnify those limitations. If you're on albuterol, I would certainly take it just as you're starting your visit with your Dad. The albuterol typically lasts 2 to 3-hours and starts working within a minute or two.
      If you're taking Spiriva and/or Advair - I would certainly take those the morning of visiting. I'm on both daily - and they work well. I'm also a cancer patient - so I am on chemo and HT on an ongoing basis.
     
       My Mother passed peacefully and with the help of hospice - even while she was in the Assisted Living. Her memory was a long spiral downward over the years - and yes ..... it does hurt to watch that happen. I know!
       If you can, try not to blame anyone for this .... and try to accept it as a cruel situation that you must deal with or tolerate. It is the cruelest to the survivor - and not the patient at some point.
       In the meantime, please try to continue with professional counseling help. Medication may be needed ... but think of it as - if you can't function, then you can't do anything for your Dad either. Or for that matter, the rest of your family.
     
       Sorry you are going thru this ... but you're not alone there ... too many of us are or have been already!
     
    Peace and wellness
     
    Rob & Gizmo
      

    SusieWV
    New Member


    Date Joined Mar 2014
    Total Posts : 3
       Posted 3/25/2014 7:57 AM (GMT -7)   
    Your post made me feel like you truly understand. I guess that is all I needed to know that someone does understand me. I haven't gone for a couple of days and I have decided to have shorter visits and have a different outlook. Thank you for caring.

    Gizzy'n me
    Veteran Member


    Date Joined Jun 2013
    Total Posts : 1870
       Posted 4/6/2014 7:35 AM (GMT -7)   
    Hello again ....
     
       Just a few short thoughts:
     
       I was visiting my Mother once a week - seldom more often. And about every two months, I would bring my dog to see her too. The facility was very strong in pet therapy - and they had "house dogs", so an visitor was encouraged to bring their dog - especially if the patient knew that dog.
       At the end, Mom though I was bringing her dog to see her. She and her husband used to breed and show dogs, so her timeframe was about 30 to 40-years displaced by then.
     
       I think it's far better to visit less often - but to bring a positive attitude with you. And .... don't ever blame yourself for any of this!
       I did put together for Christmas of 2012, a collage of photos to hang up in her room. There were about 12-photos covering her parents long ago - all the way up to a photo of a year ago. First, I think it made her feel more comfortable being in a strange room.
       Then, it covered about 40-years of her life - good memories and for something for her to relate to daily.
     
       Keep loving ... but no guilt ... OK!
     
    Rob & Gizmo
     
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