Thanks for all the info about the VA, I appreciate your detailed reply.
Since I posted originally, I found out how to apply for state funded long term care here in AZ. It is a part of the Medicaid (in AZ called AHCCCS) program, and my mom had to qualify financially (low income) and medically.
We filled everything out (I have durable power of attorney already) and she did qualify financially. Then a nurse came out to do the medical evaluation, and because she can still do her ADL's (activities of daily living) such as walking, transferring, toileting, feeding herself, dressing etc, she did not qualify, despite the burned food (fire risk, as she still cooks) and her Alzheimer's. I was told to reapply when she is worse, and also after the first of the year, the criteria will be changing to weigh mental issues more heavily.
She is definitely getting worse, as last week she crossed a line by hitting me, hard, for the first time because I asked her to look for a receipt in her purse. She gets instantly belligerent, and now violent, with no warning. I wonder what she would have done to me if she had happened to have a knife in her hand (we were in the kitchen) I notified her doctor, who said there was nothing that could be done.
As far as the VA, that did come up in the long term care application. Unfortunately, my mom "has no idea" where my father's military papers are...nor will she look for them. His DD214 (discharge) etc. He died in 1981, and was buried at a VA cemetery. We tried to file the paperwork, but the VA said we need his papers. I thought they would have records on him, based on his social security number, which I supplied, but no go. I guess at some point, my hubby and I will have to search thru every single thing my mom has to see if she has them somewhere, which will enrage her.
For now, I continue to have to handle her affairs, finances, meds, etc, as well as my disabled brother's stuff, who at 64 has always lived with her and has no clue how the world works (he has Aspergers and OCD) and I just found out I have Lyme disease as well as, or instead of fibromyalgia, for 20 years, I'm sicker than them and can't handle this anymore!