Mum has Alzheimer's. Am I annoyed and angry because she says things that are not true and talks behind my back even though I'm the one that is her main carer? Or am I angry that a once strong, independent beautiful woman who had amazing hands, cooking and making beautiful gowns now wets herself and tries to blame the dog? Anger, hatred, confusion, can't find the keys, loses her clothes, leaves food in the fridge for weeks and just walks around the house not know what she is looking for? Saying stupid things that just don't make sense, walking outside 20 times a day just to see if my car is there which means I'm home. Her fear, confusion, anxiety. How can it stop? It can't stop. It will only get worse.
How do we, the carers, survive this disgusting and pathetic disease? To watch our loved one's brain just melt into oblivion. How do we keep sane, how do we not think that we are going mad. The constant calling, the anger, the guilt then the sorrow and sadness, the 'please forgive me moment' straight after a moment of wanting to end it all because of the hurt that they inflicted on you. How do you survive such a cruel and confusing state of mind? How?
Deep, deep in my hurt and damaged soul I have a light that is still there, it's still alive, that is where it flickers, it will never die, it's just a flicker but it's still there. That is where my strength is.