Thanks for checking back in. It's as tho' you were reading my mind. This last week has been extremely difficult and I can't put my finger on it. Every time I think of Mom, and that seems to be extremely often, I start to cry. I cry out of missing her, out of the not knowing how she really was, what she was really aware of, the injustice of robbing my Mom of her precious memories and out of the dream I have that would be to have just another conversation with my Mom, before the disease took that part of her away. As many people who have lost loved ones to this disease, we keep journals for our own sanity and to remember and chart the progression of the disease. I was adding some post script
s to what will become my own book and included a photo I took of her, one that I used at her memorial service. I took that picture just 9 days before her death. I had just brought her home from getting her hair done, she was wearing her favorite pink sweater, her beautiful white hair was shiny and reflecting the sun as she sat in her favorite chair in the solarium, looking out at the mountains. She wasn't necessarily wmiling, but she has a very peaceful look on her face. All I could do when looking at that picture again was wonder if she REALLY was peaceful or if she was inside yelling to get out so that she could fix her own lunch, tend to her own garden, make her own bed, and do for others which is what her life was all about
. Was she angry I was in HER kitchen, in HER garden, in HER bedroom or was she peaceful? Before the Alzheimer's became limiting as far as her physical activity, she remained very physically active, even though she did pretty random things. But she was never still...always looking for something to do, someone to help etc. But when the inactivity started, I can't imagine how frustrating that was for her. No longer able to move about
at her own free will, no longer able to do what she wanted, no longer able to remember. I just hate this disease and am so angry she had to be a victim!! I don't want my Mom with Alzheimer's back, because I really do not believe she was happy. But I want my 91 year old, feisty, full of advice, nurturing and loving Mom back.
Again, thanks for your concern. I am going to get by alright. I always do.