Ok, this is going to be LONG ... just a warning.
Let's talk about
INSENSITIVITY from my doctor's nurse. So, apparently my doctor contacted the OB and they both won't give me my medication. My doc's nurse called me and said that I can't have it. I said, have you ever heard of weaning someone off medication?
She said that the doc never approved of me being on ativan while I'm pregnant so she kind of dodged that question and never answered it. I asked about
alternatives. I said THERE HAS TO BE SOMETHING!!!
"We'd like to help you, but we can't."
Those were her words and I was ANGRY (P i $ $ e d really)
She said to me... "just go to the E.R. whenever you're having a panic attack and talk to a mental health counselor" HELLO I don't have health insurance and I said "what, am I sposed to go to the E.R. four days a week?"
"Well there's nothing more we can do." That nurse was SO COLD and INSENSITIVE to my questions and disorder on the phone. In fact I'd like to take a poop on her desk. EAT THAT. Wow... anger here.
So I had gone back and forth my doc and her nurse for three days for nothing. I was depressed... frustrated.. ANGRY and panicky.
What the heck is a panicking woman to do? Is there no advocacy for pregnant women with panic disorder? Or do we just get swept under the rug like we no longer have a problem? I have a hard time believing I'm the only pregnant woman with panic disorder since many of you on here are INDEED moms.
So I was furious.. I didn't know what to do.. and I called my sister with a learning disability and I was venting. She came over with her fiance. (She can't drive) Her big heart and understanding REALLY showed through on this occasion...
My parents' however didn't. Turns out they had been talking behind my back the entire time. My father's words... "this *thing* needs to just be fixed. They need to get it fixed* (referring to me and my sister who have this disorder)
My mom NEVER EVEN CALLED to see how I was doing and just totally left me in the dust. How sweet and caring.
But anyways... back to my sister... Jenny shows up at my house. I'm SO ANGRY. She suggests seeing a psychiatrist at this clinic she used to go to near my house. We call. The psychiatrist is booked for 8-10 weeks. I'm freaking out at this point.
What am I supposed to do I screamed in the background. The woman gave my sister to a crisis number. What was I supposed to do with a crisis number? I feel like I'm in a crisis but do I really need to call?
I was depressed, hurt, rejected, and moreover angry. (for a minute here, I might need a break from typing cuz of carpal tunnel lol)
So we got the number. We sat on it for a while and finally Jenny called for me. She didn't know how to explain exactly what was going on so I grabbed the phone. Within literally a minute of talking to this guy I was bawling... explaining the insensitive docs and nurses... being pregnant.. depressed... frustrated...
this guy was nice. He asked if I did breathing exercises. I said yes.. and relaxation techniques and meditation but none of it really seemed to help in a panic attack. He just understood. And he asked if I could come in on Sunday for a mental health assessment. I was like.. I"m pretty
open (since I don't go anywhere lately!)
The guy also said that regular doctors and OB's don't know much about
psychiatric disorders or meds like benzos can affect pregnancys... and a psychiatrist would know much more. That was a relief to hear.
he also said that if I went to the E.R. they'd just give me a shot of Ativan anyway. I said then why can't I have my pills? I don't get it!!! (STILL bawling at this point)
I tried getting directions but Jenny's phone kept cutting out.. I felt helpless and was yelling at jenny why her phone wasn't working. She wrote down the address and the number.
So today I went. I show up and I'm at some house. Confused really. I call around frantically trying to figure out where the heck I am. Then I call the number. Yup. It's in a house.
I wasn't about
to walk up to the door if it was a person's house and be like.. I'm here for a mental health assesment hahaha
So I go downstairs into this house and the basement is converted into a sort of office with different doors and peoples' names on the doors.
Then after a few minutes a guy comes up and says hello... I was the one you spoke with on the phone. Ah crap... I cried on the PHONE to this guy. I felt dumb but oh well. When you fel helpless... you can't help the way you feel.
So I have to wait cuz he's with someone else then he comes back. We start talking and he asks me how my panic attacks are and if I want to hurt myself or have suicidal thoughts. I'm like... I'm just depressed about
this dang disorder!!! And my doctors have shunned me! or that's what it felt like..
He knew more than I did! Talking about
so many things I had hardly time to digest it! So I signed in with their "care" and signed a "non harm agreement" where I agree I won't harm myself and if I want to I'll call 911 or them.
he also said if I felt like going to a psychiatric hospital to call them because they had 4 beds at the house and I could always stay there and they wouldn't take my shoelaces! (I felt almost like I was in the movie Girl Interuptted where the patients of the psych ward had a lot of freedom too.. but that movie was based in '68, so it was crazy to have something like that nowadays right down the road from my house) He said the patients that stay there go for walks and just get help.
So he got me an appointment with a psychiatrist for this Friday... which I was amazed at how fast he could get me in. He offered for me to be driven to the appt but I can't ride in other ppl's cars so I asked to follow.
He gave me some information I've never read before... and the non-profit group is going to help me find therapists to go to and health insurance.
That'd be good.
THAT was a lot of info! Wheeww sorry it was so long but it's been a rough few days. I have a lot of relief now. I felt like I talked to a professional that UNDERSTOOD me.
That's never happened before.
So it's a good likely chance (i'm praying) that i might get my medication back or something like Ativan to help. That'd be great. Ugh.
(sorry had to post in quick reply cuz I couldn't get the dang thing to submit for some reason there was text over it)
"Be glad of life because it gives you the chance to love and to work and to play and to look up at the stars."
DX: Panic Disorder, Depression, TMJ (Temporomandibular Joint Disorder), Chronic Migraines
RX: Lorazepam (1 MG a day), Lexapro (20 MG a day), Tylonel for the TMJ and Migraines