Goh, come on you guys, I cry enough as it is! I cant help sitting here crying now... But, for once, it is a good cry!
Wen, thank you so much. I am so very glad you told your experience. You got help. For me, I just realized that what I was about to do, wasnt me. It wasnt who I wanted to be. It wasnt how I wanted to be remembered. I was on the the floor scared out of my mind. Holding them in my hand. I just thought how simple it was. A move of my hand, and a swallow of my throat. Just like that. But, it isnt simple. Life is not simple. But, life is so much better when it is being lived! I am grateful that I had that moment. I think of it everyday, and thank God that He gave me the strength to do what I did. People wonder if they are going to have that single moment in life, the one that changes everything. That was my moment. I realized, no matter how bad life gets, and no matter how sick and tired of it I get, I can only live it once. I wasnt about the turn that over and let it pass.
I have so many dreams. I think, hope, that I can do so much for the world. That night was a test of my strength. That morning was a test of Wen's strength. And we came through. I think that shows a lot about us. Wen got help. That is great. I am very proud that she did that. I didnt get help that night. Yes, God was with me that night. But, I never told anyone, until a few days later. I told my best friend. She knew because she had been there before. But, she is the only person I have told, besides all of you now!! But, it shouldnt be like that. I shouldnt be ashamed to speak up and tell my story. The world tells me I should be ashamed. I should be ashamed because it was stupid. But, in my opinion, I should be proud. I shouldnt be ashamed of something I almost did.
I am proud of what I did. I am proud of what Wen did. I have never felt like I did that night. I dont remember what it was like. I dont remember anything around me. I remember looking at my hand. I remember the exact number. I remember ebing more scared than I can possibly imagine. But, I remember throwing them down. I remember crying, I got up, did my normal routine, brushed my teeth, and I went to bed. The next morning, I have never been so happy to wake up!
I will remember that forever I think. Because from then on, everything changed, for the better. I am completely different. I have a great outlook on life. I know what life means.
I struggle everyday with the a/p still. I still havent gone out. My friend asked me to yesterday, I couldnt. Maybe some time soon I will. I am doing better though. A few anxiety attacks, but havent had a panic attack in a while. So, thats good! I am hoping this next year, 2008, I will be able to change everything. It is going to be a good year...I feel it in my bones!!
I hope this next year is special to all of us. We are all strong and we will all make it through! Thanks Wen and Sherrine . And Lyn, we WILL KICK BUTT!!! We are a force stronger than imagined! Together we will step through to this new year!
Take Care my Beloved Family!
"Sometimes when I say 'Oh Im fine' I want someone to
look me in the eyes and say 'Tell the truth'
"Cracks in the concrete are just reminders that you fall apart
no matter how strong you are"
"You asked what was wrong and I smiled and said, 'Nothing' then I turned around and whispered...'Everything'
talk and laugh too loud...its because I am trying to forget that I am sad."
"Sometimes it is best to forget what you feel and remember what you deserve"
"Im going to
smile like nothing is wrong, talk like everything is perfect, act like its all a dream, and pretend its not hurting me."