how will this end?

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Regular Member

Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 80
   Posted 2/9/2008 6:52 AM (GMT -6)   
firstly i want to say sorry for not replying to previous posts. I really appriciate all the wonderful encouragement i got, i just can't seem to concentrate on things or pull myself together, but i really do want to express love and so much thanks for all your help.
I'm comming back with just more moaning i'm afraid. I'm so desperate for help, i feel like i really can't turn anywhere at all. I saw my doctor and told her i was really really struggling, that my moods have been all over the place and my mind is really dark. She said she wanted me to go back to therapy which i agreed to, but here in the UK unless you can afford otherwise, you have to wait on a waiting list to see a therapist, and its only limited when you do get to see one. So the therapist called me about 2 weeks later and said he would see me, but said there is a massive waiting list. I start a new job in a few weeks and don't know my new time table, so he said he couldn't book me until i knew it, and said it could be up to 2 months before i could see him for a 30min meeting. URGHHH.
I feel like i can't go back to my doctor and waste her time, because what can she do for me now? I feel completely stuck.
I think really i could benefit from seeing a psychologist (i can't spell) - the question was raised about the possibilty of bipolar due to all my behaviour over the past few years (i'm now 20) but my doctor said she didn't think the mania was "manic" enough, which i agree with. However i have read a lot about borderline personality disorder and it seems to fit like a glove. My moods can throw from amazing to horrible at the flick of a switch - someone says the wrong thing and i feel like i hate them and can't trust them. One minuet i think i'm talented and feel attractive, the next at the smallest thing i actually hate myself and want to die, and think of ways i could do it. I constantly worry about God, i don't dare pray infront of mirrors incase it gets turned around in the reflection and evil things happen. I come on to everybody and hate myself for it, im not even attracted to them but i just feel so horribly alone all the time. i don't know what i'm doing most the time. I can't even get help from my friends at the moment even though they are really great about my condition. My best friend gets really scared about self harm and she saw the blood all over my bed sheets, so i think she has been scared off a bit.
sorry this is so long, i just really don't know what to do. I feel like i am frantically running in the dark towards a big drop and it could happen at any moment.

Elite Member

Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 2/9/2008 9:57 AM (GMT -6)   

Hey, you come here and vent anytime you need to.  Have you used or tried to use the CBT for free site.  It takes hard work and you must commit to it but it will help.

Please give it a try.  There is no time frame on how fast you have to move through the online program.

Also, I agree you need to see a Psychiatrist for a diagnosis.  You can be Bi-polar and have hypomania but do not read to much on internet.  Just work on the anxiety and try to help your self.  Take your meds and remember it takes 4-6 weeks to get full benefit of med.

Hugs to you

Kitt, Moderator: Anxiety ~ Panic  ~ Crohn's
*~* *~*
It is health that is real wealth and not pieces of gold and silver.~Mahatma Gandhi~

Veteran Member

Date Joined Jan 2008
Total Posts : 505
   Posted 2/9/2008 12:04 PM (GMT -6)   
Oh BCastle i'm so sorry! first of all i would like to say i missed you and i'm sorry you feel the way you do! some of those things you said i can relate to.Like when you said one minute you feel great and like you are talented and beautiful and the next minute you feel like you hate yourself! And dont feel bad about coming here to vent,we want you to come here so we can try to help you! Feel free to let us know anything you are going through! I really dont know what to tell you other than everyone is attractive and talented in their own way and you are not exempt from that.I dont know you personally but i'm willing to guess that you are attractive and talented in your own way! It takes alot of courage to get on this site and tell complete strangers how you feel and i commend you for that! It sounds like you are a fighter and i know with a little help you can beat this thing!! You said you couldnt talk to your friends,just know that we are your friends too and we care about the way you feel and we want to help you in any way we possibly can!! I'm sorry you have to wait so long to talk to someone, i wish there was ways around that. Until then please just try to hang in there.At least help is on the way, so you are a little closer than you once were! Keep us posted on how you are doing honey and GOOD LUCK!!!!!!!

Regular Member

Date Joined Feb 2008
Total Posts : 393
   Posted 2/11/2008 8:57 AM (GMT -6)   
"I come on to everybody and hate myself for it, im not even attracted to them but i just feel so horribly alone all the time. i don't know what i'm doing most the time."
Ur not the only 1, sad . I always end needing a cuddle frm whtever person i happen to be with tht nite.
Take it easy boxcastle and try remember it does get better. smurf
Imagine Nothing

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