Hello, everyone, I've posted a few times before starting in late Dec. 07. I've had anxiety and PA mainly since the death of my aunt last Sept. After joining this forum at the start of the year and trying to attack my problem head-on, I have made a lot of progress (or so I keep thinking). I have been trying to lower my stress, recognize triggers for my A/PA, am going to a therapist, taking better care of myself physically (which also seems to help), etc. But then suddenly I start down that scary mental road and I am back at zero.
This weekend has presented a challenge to me because my husband went out of town on a father-son trip with my oldest son. So I am home alone with my 2.5-year-old for four days. I hate to be in the house alone, especially at night, so my axiety level was already increased. I keep imagining that someone is going to try to break in (there have been recent incidences in the neighborhood), hear every bump in the night, etc. so the first night I slept lousy, like 3 hours at most.
Then yesterday I whacked my head really hard on the corner of a kitchen cupboard door. That really put me over the edge! With my health anxiety as bad as it is, I am so afraid of a head injury. It hurt so bad although I didn't feel nauseous or have any signs of concussion. But I had and still have pain all over my scalp and of course imagined that I was developing a subdural hematoma. So last night I slept awfullly, like maybe two hours at most, thinking that I might fall asleep and never wake up again--pretty much a panic attack that lasted the whole night. Today I went to the "weekend service" doctor who told me my scalp is just bruised and the stiffness I feel in my neck and numbness in my arm are due to tension/jarrring caused by the accident. But I keep thinking, what if she's wrong and I really do have a major head injury?
I really hate to spend the whole time my husband is gone, potentially valuable one-on-one time with my little boy, thinking that I could be dying. Every minute ticks by and I don't know how I am going to get through the next. Why do I do this to myself?! I still have two more nights to go and don't know if I'm going to get any more sleep at all.... I can talk to my husband but I also don't want to ruin his trip (which he was really looking forward to) with our son.
Well, I don't know if some of you can relate, but I am feeling really alone and pretty desparate right now. I have these thoughts like why is anything worth it in this world, b/c life is so short and our bodies can just give out on us at any moment. I just can't seem to stop the anxiety flooding in. (And btw, at this point I am still not taking any meds as my therapist said he wants to work a bit more on things before going there.)