I had kind off snapped on someone in church the other day for the first time.
This is a women who is pretty emotional at that, she came up to me and said you look so refreshed and vibrant. I don't know what came over me but I snapped back and said " I am far from refreshed at this point in my life" she looked at me in awe, then of course I felt a little bad about
snapping and had to make up for it by saying perhaps its because I straightened my hair today or that I am a little more dressed up than usual. She didn't say anything after that, but the look on her face when I snapped at her said it all.
If you knew the type of person I am, you'd know that is so far from me. Like I said my emotions are a little on edge lately.
Yes, I was always the one who gave advice and helped others. Someone needs notes in school, who do they come too, me, my notes are always neat and organized and I never miss class, have a great GPA, which after this semester is falling because of slacking some due to my depression. Thats another bummer in itself.
I know they come to me because I never let my emotions show , I come across as so even toned but like you said, inside I get torn up. Would love for someone to be strong for me for once, but its my fault, I never let them see that, except for my mom who always makes me feel like crap when I show that side, so I avoid it.
I have done everything on my own for years. Moved out of my parents home at 19 and have been on my own since. Never asked for anyone's help, actually would refuse it if offered. I just had to do things on my own. If I wanted to do something, I'd do it, traveled all over, in the states and abroad, bought my first house in my twenties, never married as of yet, cause who needed anyone else right. I was living in denial, I just didn't want people to know the real me. I couldn't be vunlerable because thats how I was hurt in the first place, so I had to protect myself and thats how I did it by building up walls to keep people out.
With everything that I am dealing with now, I am beginning to realize I need the help of others, but its hard at times to acknowlegde that. Objectively, I know its all part of the processes, subjectively I just don't quite get it yet.
I really enjoy being able to chat with and hear your responses. It is so much easier to let these things out in this format, knowing many of you have been through similar situations. I just have to learn to let some of these walls down along the way to let others in, its so not easy.
"Courage is not the absence of fear, its the ability to look fear in the eyes"
"I have depression, depression doesn't have me"