Its Easter, and I was so very happy to get together with my family. Mostly to see all my neices and nephews, I have 14 of them. I love to see them all together having such a good time, they all get along so well. Just watching them can bring me out of a slump.
The day was so wonderful up until I sat down with my mom to share that I was going to counseling. Lets just say it was such a stupid idea on my part.
She says to me whats the use, why am I doing it, why do I want to go back and think about the past....The past is the past let it be.
I said because its affecting my relationships today, she said yeah because your so dang picky thats why. I said yes, there is a reason why I am so dang picky, do you get it mom. Then she brought up the part about me thinking my step-dad might have been one of the men who had abused me. She told me he never did anything, she can tell me 100 percent he didn't, how rediculous is that.
Parents do this stuff all the time without the other knowing. Then she said well I was cheating on your step-dad at the time and it was someone else. She said it was my Step-dads cousin, who she was seeing at the time. Then I said well why was my step-dad there all the time if she was cheating, she said he would come and go. I still don't know that I believe that.
And why would she have not told me that when I mentioned something at 14 years of age about my early childhood memory. She was so upset with me....then she went off on me as to why we (my siblings and I) never told her these things happened. She said when she was young and someone had tried something she ran away, then told her mom.
Then went on to say why did we never tell her, there was no reason for us not telling her. Does she even get it, here I am now sharing this with her and she is denying it, making me feel like crap about going to counseling and in no way supporting me like many moms who really cared would.
This is exactly why I never told her when I was little, she wouldn't have cared, just brushed it off. I did tell if and incident when I was young and we never talked about it, just pretended it never happened.
All she cared about back then was her next high. She doesn't even do drugs or drink now and she is still so unsupportive, some things are just no use. God it kills me sometimes. I just want her to maybe say she is sorry... something... instead of making me feel that its my fault for not doing anything. I just want her to be a real mom, someone who cares what her children are going though. God, I would just love for her to put her arms around me just once and tell me that she loves me and that I am going to be fine...something.
Somehow I don't think thats ever going to happen. Are some things just not use?
Thanks for hearing me and letting me vent.
"Courage is not the absence of fear, its the ability to look fear in the eyes"
"I have depression, depression doesn't have me"