Thank you all so much for replying. I am very sorry I haven't replied, I am staying with friends as I mentioned and have had intermittent internet access for a while so it has been hard to come back and reply. I actually burst into tears when I noticed so many of you had offered such kind supported and had not forgotten my post.
You have definately made me feel more 'normal' in terms of the feelings I am experiencing at the moment, especially CaryF who's circumstances sound so very much like my own in terms of the marriage break up etc. Your kind words and care really are amazing, I did not expect such responses and have been feeling really bad about
not getting back and responding.
I am trying to be strong and remain positive but it is hard. I have had a couple of pretty bad days this week, the mornings are still awful and I feel like I am having to drag myself out of bed to go out to work. Interestingly though the temp job I am doing (for about
5 weeks now) is probably one of the things that is keeping me going. It is busy and I am getting to know the people who work in the same area as me and they all seem pretty nice. Actually it is quite coincidence as the 3 girls working around my area (1 of which I work closely with) are all within 10 years either side of my age (39) and are all single and have been through some v tough times with their own relationships and at the moment are all looking for a partner for friendship/love etc. Because the job is only temporary and so I am trying to be ultra professional I had not mentioned my current situation until recently but actually they have been really good in offering words of support and advice. I actually do believe that some things happen for a reason so it is interesting that I am working with 3 people like this or maybe there are just more single/divorcees out there than I imagined.
I have been back to the docs who sent me for a whole round of blood tests which are actually all okay to my surprise. It is good but I suppose I was thinking that maybe if something was not quite right there then it would explain the anxiety etc which I have suffered from being very little. Anyway he has prescribed me Dothep (one of the Tricyclic antidepressants). I have been taking it for about
a week and a half, up to 50mg on a night now but I have to say as yet I am not feeling any benefit from it. I had not heard of this drug before so would be interested if anyone else has any positive/negative comments about
it. I do appreciate though that these things take time to work and he has told me to increase the does in another week and then a further 2 weeks if I don't feel any improvement. I know these things usually take around a month before you start seeing any improvement so I am telling myself to be patient even though I could really do with a boost in feeling better! Unfortunately the practice I am going to (husband and wife) are going away for 3 weeks so I cannot start any therapy yet but I am going to see them as soon as they get back to hear their suggestions. I have also booked on one of their 8 week meditation courses which starts in May which I am hoping will be good as well.
I have been staying with my friends for about
7 weeks now and we had a chat last week that it would be good for me to try and find a place to live nearby. They tell me that they are not pushing me out but that they are genuinely trying to help me take some more steps forward. I am finding this hard as I really don't feel anywhere near strong enough at the moment to be living elsewhere but I understand also that they need to get their own 'family' life back to some normality. So I have taken a deep breath, looked in the paper and found a house actually very close by and am looking to move in to share with another girl the middle of next week. As silly as it may sound to some this is my biggest fear/phobia and has been all my life - having to live on my own as it were. I went straight from my parents to living with my husband and so have never had to do this. I am sure lots of other people have been in the same boat but at the moment I am feeling so fragile it is going to be a big challenge. My feelings and coping skills are actually scaring me at the moment so any advice if anyone has been in the same boat and how they coped would be very welcome. I don't have any of my furniture or personal belongings so will have to buy a few things in the next few days. I feel sad that having had my own life with my hubbie I am now going to move into a rental house with a stranger so this will be a massive challenge. I think this is also adding to my anxiety as it is constantly on my mind that the date is drawing nearer when I am going to have to cope on my own.
Cary's words 'this breakup has caused me to dig deeper than I ever thought possible' really struck a chord for me as that is exactly how I feel at the moment, I feel like I am constantly fighting with my own feelings to try and carry on and make it through the day. I think that I have realised in the past few days that although I didn't initially think I was depressed I think I am now which is why I am finding it hard to move forward and see any positive in continuing to fight all of the very strong anxiety/panic feelings which seem to overwhelm me during the day and night. The shaking is something I have definately felt and the fear and feelings of not being able to make yourself feel better are scaring me. Although my friends are really good people they are totally 'together' people and have no concept of what it feels like to suffer from anything like this. I am still talking with my hubbie but we always seem to start off well on the phone and then the conversation degenerates into arguing. I know that you are all probably going to say that we should not be in contact but I am still in the phase where I am really really missing him and I am feeling lonely, so it is hard not to think of him when he is the first person I have turned to for 22 years. it is even worse that he is doing much better than me and seems to be moving on with his life a lot easier than I am!
Anyway, I am hoping to be able to post regularly both for myself and hopefully help others although at the moment the place I am moving to does not have internet access. Apologies for the long post but thanks again to everyone for your support and care, it really is so appreciated.
Take care and hugs
Post Edited (Honey Bee) : 4/17/2008 3:18:57 AM (GMT-6)