OY!! I hate these anxious, self-pitying days. But I have such a hard time getting out of them when they strike me! I've had a lot going in the last few months and just feel sorry for myself. I know this isn't the way to be and isn't very strong of me to be like this, but when it hits I just don't know how to get out of it. It's almost like it has to pass on it's own.
I feel lots of guilt and feel like a huge burden to my very understanding family. Although I am now receiving Social Security Disability, I still feel like I'm not actively contributing financially as I'm not working. After about 4 months of not working, my husband finally found a job that has him working nights. He wanted to work nights so that he could be here during the day in case something happens to me as well as being able to take me to my doctor appointments. I feel so guilty for having put him in this position, he would be working days like most people if it wasn't for me. If I had been able to keep it together and not have a total mental breakdown he would be able to live a normal life and so would my kids.
Because of the agoraphobia, I don't visit any family any more, if we want to see anyone they have to come here because I just can't handle going to someone's house. I keep telling my husband to go visit the family so the kids can see their grandparents and I'll be fine here at home. But so far, he hasn't done it. Although the families understand what's going on with me, I still feel guilty for not visiting. I do email and call them but it isn't the same. My family should be able to live a normal life.
My oldest child is 22 and he such a great kid - he doesn't push me in any way to go to his apartment to visit. When we want to get together he just comes over here, no questions asked. He's sensitive and although he doesn't fully understand what I'm dealing with, he tries to help however he can.
There have been so many times that I wish all of this would go away so that I could live my life as it used to be. Although it wasn't perfect, it was better than this. I still have two teenagers to finish raising and I don't feel like I'm doing a very good job any more. This is a critical time for my daughter who is 13 and needs her mom. I talk to her almost every day about what's going on in her life (school, friends, etc) but I still don't think I'm doing very well at it.
My other son is 15 and I still have to watch him for any problems. We went through several years of pur h**l with him - acting out, suicidal, running away, several psych admissions, and the last straw was when he set a fire in my house (no damage, thankfully). At that point I really had no choice but to press charges against him and he wasn't quite 12 at the time. During all of this he was in therapy and on meds, but to no avail. When we finally got to court, he was removed from our home and spent the next two years in a treatment facility for boys. Never in my wildest dreams did I ever think I would have to press charges against one of my children, take him to court and admit him to a psych hospital several times. This is not something a parent ever imagines having to do and I still carry a lot of guilt about it all; I feel as though I failed as a parent. But in the long run, it was the best thing I could have done for him he has been home for about a year and a half now and has done pretty well.
It was almost a full year that he was home when I finally broke down. The timing seemed odd to me and I made the comment to my PCP that I should have broken down during all of the turmoil. She quickly corrected me by saying that I HAD to keep it together during all of that and now that he was home and things were going okay, was I finally able to let my guard down a little. That's when I broke down and had myself admitted to the hospital.
I'm still in therapy and on meds and probably will be for quite awhile, but I wish it didn't have to be this way. I just feel guilty for everything. This post is much longer than I had intended; I just wanted to vent a little bit - but it's more than a little bit. Thanks for taking the time to read and letting me ramble for awhile.
Co-Moderator Anxiety/Panic Disorders
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I am in no way a medical professional, any advice given is purely on an amateur level.
Please seek professional advice from your doctor.
Dx: Agoraphobia, Anxiety/Panic Disorders, Barrett's Esophagus, Bipolar Disorder, Depression, Essential Tremors, Fibromyalgia, I.B.S., Mitral Valve Prolapse, Narcolepsy, PTSD, Restless Leg Syndrome, Acid Reflux, Sleep Apnea, Social Anxiety
Rx: Abilify, Flexeril, Lamictal, Lunesta, Neurontin, Nexium, Requip, Ritalin ER, Valium
“People have two ears and one mouth for a reason; you need to listen twice as much as you talk.”
Top Fuel pro - Bob Vandergriff, Jr