Baby steps are best, but I have a giant step coming up today and tomorrow that I can't avoid. I have to go to a business conference this weekend, and there are two small presentations that I have to make.
In the past, I've had trouble with my anxiety when I travel. Mine centers around health: some shortness of breath and a sense of throat closing up leave me feeling that I'm going to suffocate and die. All kinds of trips to doctors, including specialists, have turned up only acid reflux, which fits the situation very well. Nothing else bad is going on with my body, just that. In fact, after my diagnosis a week (that short a time?) ago, I've already returned to my ENT for reassurance that nothing is going on that can kill me. A visit to a pulmonologist on Wednesday will likely have the same result: he saw nothing to worry about, but I still have questions -- or rather, I still need to hear him say certain things a second time so that I can try to make them stick.
So anyhow, I am very nervous about this conference. What if I have an attack before one of my presentations? I've planned it all through, and somebody could cover for me if needed, plus I think I'll be within walking distance of a hospital, but I'm still scared. I'm scared of the physical sensation of not being able to breathe, I'm scared of the anxiety that I have to fight, I'm scared of being embarrassed in front of colleagues.
In the past, ativan has helped some, but during the past 2-3 weeks, I've gotten very bad rebound anxiety after taking it. So I don't really want to take some today, only to have Sunday or Monday become intolerable in the exchange.
I guess I just need some moral support, a reminder that my doctors are now sure there's nothing life-threatening going on with my body, and that the anxiety itself can't hurt me either.