I wanted to come back on (its been some time since i last wrote in the forums here) and ask a few questions about
things -- or just put something out there and see if i get some replies. I clicked on the thread ( So Tired of Being a Hypochondriac) as it relates to me a bit. I never had this problem, like you all describe, but something happened recently and I've yet to full recover. I hope its ok for me to start a new thread as it is related, but different -- i think.
8 days ago I was visiting friends at work. There was a subtle odor in the place and i found that i started to fixate on it. I go home, cause i couldnt really take anymore -- even though subtle, and find that i still smell this odor, or think i do. I took showers, cleaned my apartment ("maybe something rubbed off on my clothes and now its on my couch" I thought). I felt a little nauseated from the experience and started to find it becoming hard to breath (or the sense of that). I calmed myself down and tried to just relax. Later that night i felt like everything kinda smelled like this odor. The cleaning supplies i used "kinda smelled like it". The mans cologne in the corner store kinda smelled like it too... And that was that... I thought i smelled it once the next day, but for the most part, no odor. (part A).
The next day i took a shower. In a place i got tattooed, i realized the skin had come off in the shower. It was pretty gross and looked like a kid who had got some road rash from falling on a skateboard or something -- or similar to when a scab comes off from swimming. Logically, i knew this was no big deal (its happens, things heal rough some times), but in my mind i started to think... "Oh no, what is going on!!! This is not right!!!" I was very scared. So much so, i started to feel panicy, but no panic yet. I went and visited my friends and they reasured me that "yeah, its not good, but its no big deal... Just keep it clean and it'll be fine." And logically they're right. But I had a hard time convincing myself, even though i knew it was no big deal. It was the day before (part A) knock me down a some and i had some major anxiety, and then i was hit with this situation (Part B) which pushed me over the top. Soooooo...
A few days pass and everything is fine with that. I had a friend in town, and noticed that i was very anxious the entire time. He's an intense guy, but one of my best friends. I think the previous days put me in a position where i needed some recovery time, but he came in from outta town. So, yeah the entire time i was anxious, couldnt sleep well, and just felt like i was barely making it... Sleep was so bad one Weds. night that i got up in the morning panicky. I had to take an adivan, which helped, but thrusday was no walk in the park. I remember that i couldnt wait to see my PDoc the next day, but time seemed to be at a stand still. (Part C)
Now we're at friday of last week. My friend still in town, its time for me to go to my PDoc. I tell her about
everything, and since i've been in this same "mind state" several times, she drops the "bipolar 2" diagnostic bomb on me (Part D). Now, logically this is a good thing. I've been seeing this doctor weekly for 6+ years and really trust her. So for her to say this was good, but it really scared me. I had a really hard session with her, and we ended with the idea of me getting some labs done (for BP2 meds) but we wont do ANY med adjustments. Not yet. So i go home and freak out about
this. I know i really shouldnt, but i was scared and felt like i failed. Failed at recovery. I was very very sad.
My friend leaves saturday, and later that day my anxiety was middle of the road. Worse than usual, but not as bad as the day before. Then yesterday I was depressed. Really depressed. I felt "over it" and sorta numb. My sister wrote me an email saying she missed me and that sent me over the edge with sadness. My guard was then down and i was upset. After a while i felt a little better. I planned on going to get my labs down early this morning before i saw my PDoc today so i took my meds and was a sleep by 10:15ish... I slept poorly and got up around 6:30AM feeling tired but wired. I went to my docs, told her that the weekend was pretty depressing and that i got my labs. We talked about
everything and she said that i still seemed depressed, and i was. I told her that i felt sad, and feared that the day would get worse, and boy did it.
I got home and started looking around the internet about
odors. I see stuff about
brain tumors, diabetes, MS, and a host of other things. Then i started to think i might smell that odor. Bad news (Part E). So now i'm trying to keep my bearings together, but i've essentially lost it. I'm in a "mixed state" of anxiety and depression. I fear that i might have something seriously wrong with me and my Pdoc (i called her freaked out) wants me to go see my other doc, to "rule things out". She also wants me to take adivan, which works great but i have this guilty thing about
taking it. I guess cause i feel like a failure. I took 1MG around 6:30PM and feel a little better. I feel tired, but now my appetite is back so i'm gonna eat dinner.
Anyways, I never really been a hypochondriac, but i think because i cant logically explain how i feel, and being sleep deprived is making me scare, sensitive, and reaching for things like "maybe i have a brain tumor"... I'm gonna call my doc tomorrow am, as i think it will calm my nerves to rule stuff out. Thanks for reading my 5 part story. I'm it might not be easy to follow, so i apologize for all that read it and are thinking " What the heck is this guy mumbling about
". I just wanted to try and get it all out.
Anxiety, Panic Disorder, Depression, possibly Bipolar 2.
"We work on ourselves in order to help others, but also we help others in order to work on ourselves."
- Pema Chodron
Post Edited (Danxiety) : 4/28/2008 9:49:02 PM (GMT-6)