Hi! I looked for you & here I found you! I think it's a blessing I read your thread here; because YOU have just helped ME the past few days after I got out of the hospital...so maybe I can give YOU some crutches to lean on now.
We're similar in feelings. When I went looney tunes in the hospital I went on such a rant n' rave of how I felt inside that it poured out soooo fast my aunt & sister had NO IDEA it was so bad.
I defined myself by what I was able to do. My identity was & my soul was in my work. So much of WHO I AM laid within WHAT I DID...and I took pride in my work, education, body, etc...
And then to have it all just STOP? What does one do with that?!? It's like being in mourning. I thought I was coping just fine in trying to adjust to being ill, becoming disabled, not being able to no longer work...but in reality, I'm having A LOT of trouble handling having a disability & coping with life now.
It took a nervous breakdown to do it! But I think it's good that we realize that "hey...this ain't easy!"
I have to learn NOT TO BE ASHAMED of myself, I have to learn that I AM NOT WORTHLESS & USELESS...and I have to ask for help to get there.
I guess what I"m trying to say is that I really feel like I know exactly what you're feeling.
You'll find your way through this.
Arthritis Forum Moderator & Co-Pilot
Active Severe Rheumatory Arthritis. Crohns Disease. A.Chiari Malformation.
Meds: Remicade 600mg Q3weeks; 6MP; Avelox; Zolfran; Entocort; URSO Forte; Dilaudid; Oxycodone.