As you all know---suffering from some back issues here--- for about a year....(thow on top of that some health anxiety, and panic---JOY)....
What I didn't expect is that my DH is at his "wits end" with the whole "issue" of me and my 'problems'......
I thought he was in my corner. I thought he would put up with me through this whole ordeal---and actually, thought I was getting better everyday (physically and mentally). Then, last week---we got in this huge argument about nothing....everything. But, mostly it's about ME!
DH is very athletic....very good shape.... very active. I used to be---until this whole 'back issue" started. Now, it's come to head.
DH feels that I am self-centered. He thinks that all I do is fixate (sp) on MY problems. He thinks that I am a fake----the person he married is not the person I really am----and if he would've "known"----well.............maybe he wouldn't have stuck around.
He's concerned b/c we're not as intimate as we used to be..........he takes offense to that. Not that I have three small kids around and can barely stand, sit or lay down some days----but, hey......'be ready in a second's notice---huh?"
DH's defense when we get in these arguments is to put the 'wall up' and pretty much 'punish' me for a few weeks---pick on me, put me down, not even give me a hug....... pretty much withdrawl.
I am so humiliated and am now feeling shaky and very unsure of myself. He is away on business right now---and I feel a little peaceful. When he is home, I feel like I am walking on eggshells----and very nervous I am going to make the wrong move----do the wrong thing.......the house won't be clean enough, dinner won't be 'nutritious' enough, and it puts me on 'edge' and very shaky.
I have suggested that maybe we go and talk with someone about our issues---his feelings---he said "NO" b/c we have spent enough time going to therapy, specialists, acupuncturists, PT and chiropractor for the both of us.....
So, what am I to do? He comes home tomorrow---and I am dreading it!!!! I feel like a kid------growing up in my "hyper critical" home (which I did grow up in a very "perfectionist" home)-------I am ashamed this is all happening with me (my back issues and panic)----but, I rely on him to be my rock! Why can't I be a rock through times like this?
I have known DH since for almost 25 years (high school friends)! We have gone through ALOT------and I always think we get through these things stronger than ever. But---I am starting to feel that he doesn't anymore......
I am so bummed today------I feel like if he leaves me---what am I going to do? I haven't worked in 10+ years (raising kids)---no money. Won't be able to get a job b/c of my health issues---I don't think he will leave me though----he's had plenty of times where he could've walked out---within the last 12 years---but, hasn't.....I am praying he doesn't........and he probably won't---
The other night, when we were fighting---- I had a panic attack--- he did help me through it---but, I felt totally ashamed afterward. I haven't had a panic attack in over a year!
Am I making sense? I feel like I just threw-up a lot of thoughts!
Any help is appreciated........this is rough!