I am new, and am looking for some support.

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New Member

Date Joined Jun 2008
Total Posts : 1
   Posted 6/5/2008 11:50 PM (GMT -6)   
I broke up with my boyfriend a few weeks ago, and moved in with my Dad.  I'm self employed, and at the moment I am not bringing in enough money to support myself completely, which is why I was living with my boyfriend in the first place.
Thing is, my father has been going through chemotherapy for thrombocytopenia, and since that didn't work, they are now giving him blood transfusions.  He is not doing well.  I haven't talked to his doctors, but he has been to all the cancer specialists, and had every test run.  I do medical transcription for a living, and he has told me about the tests, and he has been through it all.  I specialize in radiology.
When I moved in here from my ex-boyfriend's place, my plan was to help out around the house as much as I could and be with him for his remaining time.
I have had some pretty hairy anxiety attacks off and on through my life, ever since I found out that my first husband was sleeping with everyone that walked by.  I was about 20 then.  I am now 47 and have been through several rough times, especially when my mother passed away.  But in all this time, I have never had an attack like this, or have it last as long.  I was totally incapacitated for about 10 days, and I didn't even see it coming.  I expected to be relieved when I got here since things had been stressful before I moved.
I believe I was having dissociative disorder.  My hands and feet felt tingly and numb.  I laid in bed and cried all day.  I still typed my reports, didn't have a choice since I have bills to pay, but it was really difficult.  I finally went to a nearby clinic and got a prescription for Klonopin (clonazepam).  That got me over the worst of it.  They only gave me a small dose, and only 3 refills. 
What I am scared of now is when my Dad does pass away.  I wasn't expecting the last attack, but I would be silly not to expect a hard blow after that.
Since I really have no one else to turn to in that event, I decided to join a support group, so I would at least be able to come here for support and advice.  I was the closest to feeling suicidal last week that I have ever been.  I'm too much of a coward to do anything painful to myself, I can't even stand getting a shot, so not to worry.  But I seriously didn't want to live.
I had great plans for the rest of my life with my ex, and was really looking forward to our plans.  Right now, I see nothing to look forward to, nothing.  Yeah, you guessed it, I also have trouble with depression.  It actually runs in the family.
Anyway, I hope you people can help me get through what lies ahead.  Not only do I have by father's death to look forward to, but I will have to move out of this house soon after, so my brothers can get it fixed up to sell.  We are supposed to split that money three ways between us.  But the chemo and lab work is draining Dad's bank account fast.  He brought home a bill on Monday for $12,000, and that was after his insurance payment. 
I don't have health insurance, and the county hospital and mental health services are worthless here.  I've been through the hoops.  They leave you sitting in the waiting rooms for hours, and I have to work.  Then when they see you they try to get you to take antidepressants.  I've taken most of them, and gotten no help.  The only thing that ever helps is when a friend or loved one gives me a hug or holds my hand and comforts me.  I cry for the silliest reasons so easily.  When people tell me all the things I should be thankful for, I just cry harder, because I feel selfish for feeling sorry for myself.
Now there is no one to hug me or hold my hand, I will be on my own.
I could use some words of encouragement, and most of all advice.  confused

Regular Member

Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 364
   Posted 6/6/2008 6:59 AM (GMT -6)   
I am so sorry that you are going through all of this right now. There are many people here that will listen and be here for you whenever you need to talk or vent or whatever - don't ever feel alone! I am sure it is scary to feel that you might not have anyone to lean on when your father passes away, but we are always stronger than we give ourselves credit for. I know you said that you don't have insurance, but it really does sound like you might need to try an antidepressant or something alike again b/c this is a very difficult time for you and if thoughts of suicide ideation are in your head you need to seek some type of professional help/counseling.

I know that losing a parent is so difficult. When I watched my mom die from cancer it tore me up inside. Just know that there are people here for you that will listen and want to help - this is a great place of caring and supportive people. I pray that you will find the peace you are looking for.


Regular Member

Date Joined Feb 2008
Total Posts : 393
   Posted 6/6/2008 7:28 AM (GMT -6)   
:( I feel for you cherifree n u def com to the rite place if your looking for support. Cant really offer much advice only to say given times things get easier n as ur life becomes more stable the anxiety should start to fade. When eva i get anxiety bad it always turns into depression and that makes cry for no reason wht so eva. Your not alone, the ppl here wil always be around to offer an understanding and hopefully some gud advice too.

Welcome friend :P

Elite Member

Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 6/6/2008 12:23 PM (GMT -6)   

Dear Cheri,

Welcome to Healingwell and the A & P forum. I am so sorry about your Father.  You said he has Thrombocytopenia, does he have an underlying cancer or what is the cause of his low blood platelet count?  Only share what you are comfortable with.

I think you are grieving the loss of your marriage, your boyfriend and already looking ahead to your Father's Death and this is overwhelming you.  Try to stay in the moment and don't dwell in the past and tommorow will get here soon enough.  Spend time with your Father and don't think of him as being gone and how to sell the house.  For now be with your Dad and make good memories.  Hold his hand, he must be scared and so are you so reach out to each other.

Touch can be very comforting for someone that is very ill.  They need a life line to hold onto so they do not feel alone.

I speak from much experience as I have lost many and I have learned with each lost how to better help myself and my loved one through the experience of death and grieving.

We have tons of hugs available here and you are more then welcome to as many as you can handle.

Here are a few things to remember when your in the Panic Mode:

 It does not matter if you feel frightened, disorientated, dreamlike, or unsteady. These feelings are an exaggeration of the normal bodily reactions to stress.

Just because you have these sensations doesn't mean you are crazy. These feelings are just unpleasant and frightening, not dangerous. Nothing worse will happen to you.

Let your feelings come. . Don't run away from panic. When you feel panic build up, take a deep breath and as you breathe out, let go. Keep trying. Stay there almost as if you were floating in space. Don't fight the feeling of panic. Accept it; you can deal with it.

Try to make yourself as comfortable as possible without escaping. If you're on a street, lean against a post or a store wall. If you're at the cosmetics department of a store, find a quieter counter or corner. If you're in a boutique, tell the salesperson you don't feel well and want to sit for a while. Do not jump into a car and go home in fear.

Don't indulge in stinkin thinking, "Why can't I be normal ? Why does this have to happen to me?" Just accept what is happening to you. If you do this, what you fear most will not happen.

Think about what is really happening to your body at this moment. Do not think "Something terrible is going to happen. I must get out." Repeat to yourself "I am ok, I will not die or lose control."

Bushels of Hugs to you.




Kitt, Moderator: Anxiety, Panic & Depression 
http://www.healingwell.com/donate *~*
Not a mental health professional of any kind
It is health that is real wealth and not pieces of gold and silver.~Mahatma Gandhi~

Veteran Member

Date Joined Jul 2005
Total Posts : 1952
   Posted 6/6/2008 12:33 PM (GMT -6)   

I'm sorry that you're fighting such a tough battle right now. I agree with Gramps that for now, you might feel better focussing on being with your dad and making him comfortable. Stay in the moment, as folks say around here. That way, you'll also have some sense of completeness that you gave your dad what you could when he needed it most. I know that's far easier said than done, but try to notice some of the little good things, the little blessings that happen each day while you have him: things like a small smile from him when he sees the nice sunshine, or a whispered thank you for a crisp new pillow case on a fluffed-up pillow.

You're grappling with a lot of separation anxiety right now it seems, with your recent break-up too. You don't have to feel alone or abandoned or isolated here. Lots of folks understand what you're going through because they've had very similar situations. Post if you feel like crying, or sharing, or screaming, or whatever. This is an incredibly supporting and comforting group.

Hugs to you,

Veteran Member

Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 2721
   Posted 6/6/2008 9:12 PM (GMT -6)   


Hello and welcome, I am so glad that you have joined us here and we will be here to support you.

It is little wonder to me that you had such a terrible attack, you have so much going on right now and are grieving for your lost future.  It's okay to do that. Give yourself permission to be sad, but know that it will pass.

I know what you mean about being put on every anti-dep under the sun.  I went through that too, and none of them worked for me.  I take anti-anxiety meds and that helps keep me sane, and deal with flare ups.

You have been given so much great advice here Cheri, so I won't talk your ears of (too much) with mine okay?! As I said, give yourself time to grieve this relationship and of course work through the fear of things to come, but try and find something, just one thing to look forward to.  It may just be a cup of coffee, or a walk in the sun, or watching something on TV.  It seems simple, but it can make getting through the day easier if you have something positive to hold onto.

It got me through some of my roughest times.

I hope this helps you a little, please know we are here for you and we understand anxiety and fear (all too well).  Keep us posted Cheri

Co-moderator Anxiety/Panic
Panic Attack Survivor
Weekend Warrior Princess

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