I broke up with my boyfriend a few weeks ago, and moved in with my Dad. I'm self employed, and at the moment I am not bringing in enough money to support myself completely, which is why I was living with my boyfriend in the first place.
Thing is, my father has been going through chemotherapy for thrombocytopenia, and since that didn't work, they are now giving him blood transfusions. He is not doing well. I haven't talked to his doctors, but he has been to all the cancer specialists, and had every test run. I do medical transcription for a living, and he has told me about the tests, and he has been through it all. I specialize in radiology.
When I moved in here from my ex-boyfriend's place, my plan was to help out around the house as much as I could and be with him for his remaining time.
I have had some pretty hairy anxiety attacks off and on through my life, ever since I found out that my first husband was sleeping with everyone that walked by. I was about 20 then. I am now 47 and have been through several rough times, especially when my mother passed away. But in all this time, I have never had an attack like this, or have it last as long. I was totally incapacitated for about 10 days, and I didn't even see it coming. I expected to be relieved when I got here since things had been stressful before I moved.
I believe I was having dissociative disorder. My hands and feet felt tingly and numb. I laid in bed and cried all day. I still typed my reports, didn't have a choice since I have bills to pay, but it was really difficult. I finally went to a nearby clinic and got a prescription for Klonopin (clonazepam). That got me over the worst of it. They only gave me a small dose, and only 3 refills.
What I am scared of now is when my Dad does pass away. I wasn't expecting the last attack, but I would be silly not to expect a hard blow after that.
Since I really have no one else to turn to in that event, I decided to join a support group, so I would at least be able to come here for support and advice. I was the closest to feeling suicidal last week that I have ever been. I'm too much of a coward to do anything painful to myself, I can't even stand getting a shot, so not to worry. But I seriously didn't want to live.
I had great plans for the rest of my life with my ex, and was really looking forward to our plans. Right now, I see nothing to look forward to, nothing. Yeah, you guessed it, I also have trouble with depression. It actually runs in the family.
Anyway, I hope you people can help me get through what lies ahead. Not only do I have by father's death to look forward to, but I will have to move out of this house soon after, so my brothers can get it fixed up to sell. We are supposed to split that money three ways between us. But the chemo and lab work is draining Dad's bank account fast. He brought home a bill on Monday for $12,000, and that was after his insurance payment.
I don't have health insurance, and the county hospital and mental health services are worthless here. I've been through the hoops. They leave you sitting in the waiting rooms for hours, and I have to work. Then when they see you they try to get you to take antidepressants. I've taken most of them, and gotten no help. The only thing that ever helps is when a friend or loved one gives me a hug or holds my hand and comforts me. I cry for the silliest reasons so easily. When people tell me all the things I should be thankful for, I just cry harder, because I feel selfish for feeling sorry for myself.
Now there is no one to hug me or hold my hand, I will be on my own.
I could use some words of encouragement, and most of all advice.