Stkitt: You are right, these people are giving me such incredible support and advice. From the reading I've done on the forum so far, I have to say this is the most sane board I've ever seen! So far I haven't read anything remotely like what I see in so many other places- the "flaming" and put downs. People here seem to be unusually kind and supportive. I'm sure it can't all be that rosey, but this is what I've seen so far. Good job, folks! Perhaps people with anxiety issues are more aware of others' feelings??
Honeybee: thank you for that reply. I find it extremely instructive to read about the experiences other people have. Don't you? It somehow highlights our own live in a new way, and allows us to consider our own situations from an outside perspective.
My sister just emailed me about a book she is reading - Eat Pray Love. . I want to read it now, and thought you might benefit from it, too, fro the sounds of your story. Here's her description:
"It was a very heartfelt book and really touched me. The woman is writing at the beginning about her terrible divorce and her boyfriend that she loves but can't be with because she is too clinging and he is too reclusive ("he is catnip and kryptonite to me"), and takes off for Italy, India and Indonesia for a year. I can't tell you all the bits - but if you can fathom reading a book, read this one. She is a despondent person who realizes she needs to do something different. Much of the book is about emptying herself of her anger, and self-hatred, and learning forgiveness and how to live again."
Peacesoul: I love those lyrics- I never heard of that artist. I'll look her up! I've been making a lot of music, or trying to, and I just wrote a song last week about quitting the relationship. One of the verses is:
Looks like home to me
But our home
Is so unhappy.
It's the place you leave
When you need
To run away from me.
You go away from me,
You need to get away,
Go away, get away.
You need to get away from me.
The last part changes from me singing about how he seems to need to go away from me to singing that he needs to get away from me. From an observation to a command.
Last night I went out alone just because I couldn't stand how I was feeling around him- wanting to connect with him, but sensing his withdrawal and reluctance to be open or available. Rather than either pushing him in to the same old, useless conversation, searching for answer or reassurance that he cannot or will not ever give me, I just took $20 and went to a local place to play the video lottery. I ended up talking with an older, retired guy, and instead of losing my $20 to the lottery machines, as I usually do, I ended up with over $300 bucks. The fellow bought me two drinks, and chattered away. He was clearly interested in me. I must admit that I did not return the interest (he is one of those people that only talks of himself, and shows no interest in anyone else's comments. Ugh!). Still, it was good to get a bit of attention. I know that people, and men people, too, like me and want to get to know me, and I think it's important to get out there more and feel that more. This relationship has really lowered my already low self-esteem.
On the way home, I stopped and wrote him a note, telling him that he COULD try to address these issues he has- the need to run away and never let people really get close to him. Earlier I had tried telling him how very lonely I was feeling, living with him but so separate in our lives and thoughts. He said he understood and that he was very lonely too, and had nobody he could really talk to. I said how silly it was that we were both feeling so lonely and disconnected. "Why don't we open up to ach other and be friends with each other?" I mused out loud. He, of course, had no answer.
In my note, I said that we are at a cross roads. We could choose the road which would require him to attempt moving one step outside of his comfort zone, and try to really connect with another human for the first time in his adult life. If he took that risk, he could still end up choosing to leave the relationship, or go back into his box, but at least he would've tried. I said if he can't do that, we will instead take the road that separates us permanently.
He read the note. His comment was, "When do I have to decide?" I gave him a week, sort of jokingly, sort of seriously.
But this morning I feel like it was foolish to write that note. It was those drinks the older guy bought me talking. How many times do I think that if I just REPHRASE the question he will choose to be with me and make things better? He simply won't ever do so. Yet, he doesn't want us to get a bed for him to set up in a separate room, he wants to stay in the same bed, he doesn't want to move out, he wants the comfort of my presence, without putting in the work it would take to make things good. He is saying, "Come here, but not too close, but don't go away, but don't ask me to stay." It is a ridiculous dance.
The best part of the night was that I got home after 3 am. When I left he was nearly asleep. When I came home he was awake, waiting for me. I am NEVER the one that is out late like that, and I could tell it had bothered him at least a little, and that he had not been able to sleep, just like I'm not able to sleep when he is gone.
Anyway, I ramble on. Sorry.