Hey, I just need to vent again. I love that I can do this here. It seems like I have a talking journal. So cool!
Anyway, I am so confused. I feel so awful all the time, physically and mentally and emotionaly. I don't know how much longer I can stay in this storm. And I am now having anxiety about Jesus coming back. We went to a revival tonight and the preacher kept talking about how everything is pointing to the end of time. It's not that I don't want Jesus to come back, but I'm scared I wont make heaven. I'm not really a bad person, and I am close to God but what if? So I'm confused about God #1.
Then #2 is, my husband is being really distant lately. He's working very hard and trying to quit dipping so I know he's stressed and tired. But I did some "favors" for him the other night because the Aunt Flow was in town and afterwards he acted like I was nothing. Like he got what he wanted so now he was going to bed. And I mean immidiately. I think he may not be attracted to me anymore. He likes my hair long, I got it cut. (It's easier to fix, and I like it) He likes my body curvier and I've lost weight. (eating problem) He likes sloppy kisses and I don't even like to kiss anymore. So maybe it's my fault. But I am trying to be the very best wife I can be. I do everything for him except "having fun" every time he wants to. (He's 22) But the "having fun" has been an issue every since I got pregnant with our son about three years ago. I love him and need him so much. There is nothing I can do or say to make him know how much I need him. He promised to be my best friend when we got married. But he feels more like my second child. He makes me feel really bad about myself. He thinks I'm lazy and stupid. He has no idea what it takes to be a momma 24/7. Not to mention all the house work, that I have to do more than once every single day. (our son is 2) I love what I do. I love taking care of my family and being at home. But he resents me for not working. I can't let someone else raise my son. That's my job and I love it. So I'm confused about how to make our marriage better. Plus we have only enough money to pay the bills and buy groceries so we can't go on dates anymore. Which is fine with me. I'm not a material girl. I like affection, or home made gifts. So any ideas on what I should do there?
#3 I think I may be sicker than anyone knows. I don't tell anyone everything. I can't. Nobody, and I mean nobody understands. I know I have some sort of eating disorder but I can't get help because we don't have the money. I'm stuck. What to do???
Thanks for listening ya'll. LOVE YA!!!!!
"There is hope for every man, a solid place where we can stand, in this dry in weary land, there is hope for every man... Jesus is hope for every man" -Casting Crowns