Ya'll, I'm sorry that I have been posting so much but I really need ya now. I am feeling so incredibly tired and sad. My whole body aches and my right side hurts on and off. I don't know whether it's my anxiety and depression, or my eating disorder or something else. I'm going to make myself call the doc tommorow and make an app for myself. I'm so sad right now. I don't have one reason to be sad. Not one. Everything is pretty good right now, and if anything I should be mad but no, I'm sad. I'm tired, I'm so tired. I want to feel better. I want to live life like a normal person. I am having a very hard time in distinguishing my dreams from reality. Seriously. I'll call my husband and ask him questions about
something, and he'll say we've never talked about
it before. And the same with other people. I don't know whats wrong. I am so blessed. I have a nice house, a beautiful son and husband. I have a mostly supportive family. I have a good car and tons of food. Air conditioner (I'm just really thankful for that now because it's been like 95 degrees here today) I have it all. And yet I am so sad. What is wrong with me. I feel extremely guilty for feeling this way. I don't want to leave my house at all. I don't even want to go outside and play in the pool with my son. We can stay in all day and it wouldn't bother me a bit. I can't explain how tired I am. I want this to just go away. I want to run away from it, but I know that no matter where I go, it will follow me. It'll be right there in the passenger seat talking to me the whole way. I feel like I'm fixin to have an emotional or mental breakdown. Seriously. Like I'm fixin to just lose it completely. I go from really sad and tired to really anxious and hyper in the blink of an eye. And I stay in these "moods" for hours. I am rarely ever happy. Never truly happy. What is up with me? I hate being this way. I hate being fake to everyone. I am not this happy person who has a perfect life and I'm sick of faking it. I'm sick of playing June Cleaver. I love what I do, dont get me wrong, it's just that I am not HAPPY!!!! EVER!! Oh I feel so desperate. See, when I started writing this I was depressed and tired, now I'm anxious and wired. When will this stop? Will I be this way forever? I wish I could take my own advice right now. But I can't. I feel like nothing can help me. I feel like a burden to everyone. I am and I know it. I feel like if Jesus came back right now I'd go straight to hell. But I'm not a bad person. I just feel like I am. I'm sorry this was so confusing. I know it is because I'm confusing myself. I think I'll go take a sleeping pill and chill out before I do something crazy. Or go crazy. Thanks for listening, sorry this was so long.
"There is hope for every man, a solid place where we can stand, in this dry in weary land, there is hope for every man... Jesus is hope for every man" -Casting Crowns