Boy, what a night I had Tuesday. I posted last week or so about
my challenging relationship with my boyfriend. Well, things got better, and then worse.
Saturday: He had a severe panic attack himself, about
3 am. I got up and drove him to the hospital. He didn't want to go in, just lie in the back of the car in case he was having a heart attack. Wanted to be near the ER. This is the 6th or so he's had since we've been together. He didn't know what they are. They take hours to pass, and he gets very demanding about
his needs- rub my back, get me a blanket, not that blanket, I need Otter Pops, etc. Won't let me give him valium unless I argue. Once I rubbed his back so long that I was late for work. He was afraid he was dying, didn't want me to leave. Before he met me he did not know what these attacks were, and still only partially believes it, even if I show him lists of symptoms.
This time was worse because he got so ANGRY. He was really not nice, and not himself, and I was afraid of him. It passed, and he was normal again, but several times he got all jumpy thinking I was looking at his cellphone.
So, at bedtime I suddenly a compulsion to look at that cell phone record, and calmly told him I needed him to show me. He said no, and I said, you can show, or you can go. So he showed. There were some texts between him and a female friend of a friend. He lied about
having seen her- played it like she was just in the room but they didn't really speak. Then he got her number, and after he left he texted her saying: U R A HOTTIE
I was really unhappy about
that. He said it was nothing. He just wanted to say something nice to her (I say: you don't introduce sexy stuff into a conversation with someone you only met twice, unless you have some sort of desire that is pushing you to act, even a tiny step), . He said it was because he wanted to feel attractive to SOMEONE. (I tell him all the time, but I guess he meant someone HE thinks is attractive).
At any rate, he apologized but not with much Gusto. I called the woman, just to let her know that he has a girlfriend, in case something was a brewing. I guess maybe that was wrong to do, but my last boyfriend had several women on the side, and none of them knew about
me. When they found out, they were all pretty upset.
SUNDAY: I have weird symptoms all day- head feels foggy and sort of pressurized, hands twitch and are numb, stomach upset, warm flushed feeling across my chest from shoulder to shoulder. Thready sort of feeling with my heartbeat. I am worried I am having a stroke or something... I have some trouble talking. I ask him for help. tell him something is wrong, he just ignores me. The symptoms went on all day, and I was pretty knocked and in bed because of them. He was really unconcerned.
MONDAY: While he is at work I decide to look at our cell phone bill and have to ask him for the password. He does not give it to me for hours. Once he does, I am totally suspicious and start looking for repeating numbers in case he is gettin' jiggy with someone. I see a number that had several calls the day before, late into the night, early in the morning. I call it.
Turns out it is a male friend of his- C. I am embarrassed, but I pretend I am calling to see how he is since he came home from the hospital.
After we hang up, C calls my BF to say that was weird that I called, since I never do. BF immediately tells him that I was probably checking his phone record and calling people to check up on him. C, who does not believe in monogamy and has many many casual sexual encounters, tells my BF that that is terrible and I really invaded my BF's privacy. Just keeps saying how psycho it is, etc.
BF comes home outraged at me. Very angry. He tells me what happened and I am really mad, too! He always paints me as a freak to C, and he did not, of course, mention to C how many times he goes through my Internet browser history, or reads my email. I hate when he does that, and he does it a lot. I never do stuff like this. First time for the phone bill. Have checked his email 3 times, and his browser stuff maybe 5 times. Anyway, he is all self-righteous and I am hurt that he has once again let his friends think the worst of me.
Later that night, the friend who he had met the female friend through calls him up and gives him an earful about
how mad her female friend was to have me call her the other night. Drew tells me this with a certain amount of enjoyment. I feel ashamed, but also I feel like maybe it was ok I called. "I was friendly!" I say, and he says, "Whatever. They were both just shocked that you called them and reallly angry." Again I feel he is not standing up for me. Maybe I am way off base. I don't know.
TUESDAY: I am very low from all of this nonsense. A few other things happen that morning that I am stressing about
. He calls to say hi and I tell him low I feel. He doesn;t have much to say, and I drop it. He's at work, after all! He comes home late, not saying where he's been. THen he tells me, proudly, that his friend at work told him the U R A HOTTIE text was no big deal -"You were just sending her a compliment." I feel dizzy and ready to vomit. Why does nobody see anything wrong with this?
I tell him I am uneasy about
all this and would like it if he could tell me what is up - with the text, with his desire to send it, with his feelings about
the relationship, etc. I say I'm going out for awhile and giving him space to think, and that I love him and have warmth for him, but I feel uncertain and uneasy about
all of this, since we so recently broke up (3 weeks ago) and then he convinced me to get back together. I feel doubtful of his commitment.
Maybe I totally over reacted? I didn't get angry. I was calm and clear, I thought. BUt I was also full of dread and anxiety. I felt that something was brewing, that he was hiding things (well he always hides and lies, but usually it has never been anything to hurt me).
So, when I checked in with him hours later, he had very little to say. I had tried reaching him earlier. I was sitting in a diner, feeling stuck, unable to move, afraid to go home. I texted him - telling him that I felt utterly alone in the world, nowhere to go, nobody that i belonged with. He is so unable to reassure me or to help me feel safe- hates it if I cry, thinks a hug request is manipiulation, as is a request for love reassurance. Anyway, he does not reply to my really sad text saying how low I am and that I feel so overwhelmed with life that I don't know how to proceed. I call a couple of hours later, and he says he really has nothing much to say. Some half-formed thoughts that are too difficult to speak. I say it doesn;t sound too encouraging. He does not reply. I say I feel like I have to draw my own conclusions he says he does not want me to. I say OK, and I will be home soon. Half an hour later comes this text: CAN'T TAKE ANYMORE OF THIS TONIGH. GOING TO SPEND THE NIGHT AT A FRIEND'S.
He has done things like this before, and it is a very hard thing for me. I feel abandoned, I get instant panic attack, hysteria, fear. I feel like I cannot survive it. I have worked on it a lot, being with him, because I know it's bad, and I want to change, but it's also not cool that he does this. Everytime he doesn't tell me where he's going, why he's upset, or answer my calls.
So, I call him, freaked out, and beg him not to leave yet. I am stuttering and not breathing right. I pull the car onto the highway. He is firm and cold and angry sounding. "NO, I will NOT talk to you. I am LEAVING now. DO NOT PUSH ME." he says. I enter full hysterics. I am driving like 78, reckless, can't really see. I start screaming and crying. Begging. "NOOOO DON'T DO THIS I WAS ALREADY FEELING SO DOWN AND ALONE PLEASE NO. YOU KNOW THIS MAKES ME PANIC. PLEASE" and he gets really mad and yells "FINEFINEFINEFINE." and says he will come back, since he's already left, and talk to me for a minute. In the ten minutes it takes me to get home, I calm myself down and I call him to apologize.
He doesn't answer. I call again. No answer. Call again and he answers. He's on the phone with S, he says - one of his exes that he is good friends with. He says he'll call me right back An hour later, he shows up. By that time I am in a frozen calm state. I have realized, somehow, that he is deciding to leave me. He won't answer my calls that whole time but I send him some messages saying that I am sorry I freaked out. And I tell him to bring my truck back, because the plates are expired, and he should get his car so he doesn't get pulled over. I tell him I know he is leaving me, and that I will be ok, but don't want him to get a ticket. We're too broke.
When he finally shows up he barely talks. I am calm and keep working on my laptop. He sits for a moment, gets up, picks up a few of his things. Starts to say something. I panic and say, "Please don't say anything that will hurt me right now." He gets up and goes to his office room to get more stuff. I call to him and he comes back. I say I'm sorry I stopped him, what was he going to say? He says it doesn't matter. I ask where he is staying tonight. He won;t say. I ask if he is staying with that woman, C, that he texted, the Hottie. He laughs, "That was NOTHING. There was NOTHING happening."
"Why can;t you tell me where you;re going,then? Why is it a secret?" He shakes his head.
He says "Your life will be much better without me" and I lose it. I start to cry. It is real. He really is leaving me. I say I can;t make it alone tonight. He says, "You can get support from your friends and family." Even in my state of mind I am aware that whoever he had been talking to earlier probably told him that phrase.
"Please stay, please don't leave me alone tonight?" I beg. He gets angry.
"DON'T Don't Do THIS. DO NOT." He leaves and goes downstairs quickly. My head is racing. I have to stop him. I can't be alone. I can't i cant. That is what I am thinking.
Downstairs he is about
to leave and I block the doorway. "Don't Trap Me. I;ve already DECIDED." he yells and I start crying hysterically. I say "please please just stay until I am calm. Please."
Angrily he says, "OK, but go upstairs, I'll be up in a minute." I know if I go upstairs he will just leave.
I am not breathing right, not seeing right, everything is shifting and crooked, I am so scared. I am not thinking. I put my cigarette (EDIT), and collapse to the floor moaning. He yells at me to cut it out. I grab a (EDIT)
I did this once before - threatened suicide. It is something my mother did often when I was a kid. And I have done it with other boyfriends. And I never really thought about
it. But when I did it with this BF, over a year ago, he told me that it was not acceptable, was manipulative and made him mad. I saw truth in that, and felt ashamed, and never did it again. Until last night. I was so confused by his lack of communication and my own confusing anxiety all night and day. I know he is leaving me but not why. He has not even said so except for telling me I will be happier without him and telling me that he already decided.
Upstairs I throw the knife across the room, and cry out for him. He does not come. I call and call him, he does not come. I go look for him, hyperventilating, crying, He is outside, on the phone with the 911 operator, the police are coming. I am so angry. He knows, I am sure, that He knows why I said that, and the circumstances that cause it. Again, I think that this is what his friend on the phone told him to do if I said anything like that. He is like a stranger to me. He is not the man I thought he was.
I am so angry, ashamed, embarrassed. I beg him to let me talk to the operator, he does not let me come near him. I sit in his car so he can't leave. He tell me to get the F out of his car. Finally the cops come and divide us up. I tell the one with me that BG is leaving me again, after convincing me to take him back a few weeks ago. and point to the huge hole in the front of the house where he ripped out the old picture window we are replacing. He is leaving with a huge hole in the house. The kitchen is gone, the dining room light he too out in November and never replaced. He keeps tearing things out and not every helping me to put in the new stuff. I tell them I supported him for so long, and now he has a job and I don't and he's leaving, etc. I say I was just upset and got too hysterical.
The cop asks if I am going to hurt myself, if I am diagnosed with anyhting, if I have any weapons. Says if I hit BF I will go to jail. I am so embarrassed. I want to go in and hide. I hear the other cop ask BF why he is leaving me and he says, "I'm sick of her drama." I am so mad. He brings this drama- he stays out all night, he won't answer calls, etc. The two cops speak together and BF goes to my truck and starts unloading it. To my shock I see it is totally full of his things.
That means that he had texted me that he was going away for the night, AFTER filling the truck with his things. He was planning to leave, and sent me a lie. He had already packed up a huge amount of his things, and was already planning to never come back. BUT HE LIED and said it was for the NIGHT.
Sure, I had sensed he was leaving, somehow, but the bare fact of his lie just shakes me to my core. Reminds me that this is how he left his friend S, when they were involved. They were in another state, fixing up a house to sell, and she was at work, and he packed up and left with no note. I remember that this horrified me when I heard it but he promised he was not like that anymore. He had matured since then. Guess not.
I feel so betrayed. I go to my room, and shut all the doors. I cry, I call a friend, even though it is midnight, or later. He talks to me for 45 minutes. I am semi-calm. I cry and cry and get scared again. I call the crisis line. She says to breathe deeply and do something to distract myself. Then tells me this is a crisis line and she needs to help people with real problems. I don;t want to tell her that I feel like dying, that I can;t go on, because I'm afraid of her calling the police again.
I email my mother, who is in a time zone 3 hours later. I say I think I need her to come out. Luckily, my teenager was at a friend's for the night, but when he comes home, how will I be able to parent him when I am so wrecked? No job, no money, house torn up, BF gone and won't tell me why. Ashamed, humiliated myself. VEry afraid that I will end up in a deep depression like I did when I ended my last relationship. Don't know how to make it.
She has an extra ticket already, and she is able to book a flight and fly 3,000 miles to be here by 6:30 in the eve. It is nice and hard to have her here. I only want BF back, but I really don't at the same time. He has betrayed me so badly with that lie about
going away for the night. All his strange behavior. Calling the cops when he knew all he had to do was be kind for a few minutes. His secrets, his lies, my fear.
Spent the whole day in bed. Angry, sad, crying calm. Called many therapists and have an appointment tomorrow with a guy who does EMDR. Has anyone tried that therpay? I call the therapist I saw for 14 years but stopped going to 2 years ago because I wasn;t figuring out how to stop the emotional reactions to this sort of situation. She calls back and we have a long talk .She says I am handling this better than any of the other times. Getting help. Asking my mother for help -which is very much not like me. I keep myself separate from the family.
I tell her it is because my life has never been so throughly wrecked before. I tell her things are very bad. She is comforting.
And here I am. Can't sleep. Suddenly had a huge panic that this was all my fault, That I drove him away by reacting to that text. That when I thought I was calm and rational, asking him for clarity that I was really putting huge pressure on him. That he DIDN'T Know his going away text would make me panic, that he DID think (edit). So confused. Don't know what is real.
Sigh, want to escape my life.
I have edited just a couple of words from your post due to the fact we have 13 yr olds here that are members on the site** I do hope you understand and you CAN email me at my addy right below my name ...........LYN
Post Edited By Moderator (Howlyncat) : 7/1/2008 10:01:13 AM (GMT-6)