Percycat... I sooo understand your fears. We had to scoot 12 years ago... and for the longest time , I couln't answer the phone... the girls couldn't leave the house... we were all panic stricken for soo long. With all of us suffering from PTSD, all it takes is some little trigger, can be a smell, taste, someone's tone of voice, the way someone walks etc... and it all comes flooding back along with all the fear and panic. Over the years we've learned to "get through " the 20 minutes, half an hour it takes for our brains to realize that we are not in the same situation anymore... our panick attacks wax and wane... we've learned to live with it and for the most part all 3 of us are doing really well.
I blamed myself for marrying an abusive man ... for years . I felt that I'd grown up with an abusive father... how could I not have recognized the signs. ? My councellor finally said to me.. Mary, you didn't go out looking for someone who would abuse you and sexually abuse your children. These men are manipulative and can spot a potential "victim' from miles away. As women we are taught to look for the best in people so we don't automatically assume someone is going to be abusive towards us... we trust that most people are good and kind . The trick is to forgive ourselves but really there is nothing to forgive... we were duped! If anything we need to be kinder to ourselves, understand that our insecurities led us to accept certain behaviors which might have tipped off a more confident woman.. We need to tell ourselves that we didn't deserve that abuse, that we deserve respect and everything that goes with it. Then and especially NOW. My councellor , psychiatrist told me that trying to second guess myself or blame myself was wasting valuable energy that I should be using to heal and help heal my children. I think seeing your councellor right away was brilliant. It shows how much you've grown... shows that you're not in the same 'place' emotionally that you were when this person was in your life. It shows that you are not willing to accept any "c...p" from this man.
If it makes you feel any safer... you can buy personal alarms that you carry in your purse or pocket. They are tiny little things but boy do they make an awful loud, piercing noise that will attract everybody and their dog within miles. We carried them before we moved away. It did help knowing that someone could come right away, and second that it would probably scare him half to death. If he were to approach you , he sure wouldn't be expecting a painful earful and it would let him know that you mean business when you say "leave me alone... if it ever comes to that( you yell it at him and you bare your teeth... he isn't expecting aggressive, he is expecting nice and submissive like the person you USED to be). But like you say .. .he has probably moved on to someone else at this point.
Hoping you are feeling strong.. Get mad.! How dare he disturb your peace of mind !
I am keeping you in my prayers dear one... and by the way... don't blame yourself anymore! Do you hear me. You have grown and learned from this and that is what life is all about. Your strength for getting through this will help someone else sometime in your life... you can bet on it!
Love and prayers
51 yr.old retired RN,Crohn's D for last35 yrs..severe esophagitis, migraines,strictures,urethral stricture,depression,probable MS.,RLS, arthritis