My sweet mom called today. She gave me the bad news that my younger cousin, who was 48 died on Thursday. I cried so hard. The whole family is going to be together to say good bye and I can't go because of our safety issues. I am soooo fed up with all this. I want sooo much to be with them all ... families are supposed to be together at times like these. Over the last 12 years I've missed all of it... the weddings, the baptisms, the funerals, . I want to be with them and I can't. I can't tell my aunt how much I am hurting for her loss. I want to hug her and comfort her. I want to hold my mom and my sister and never let go... ... My beautiful cousin was full of life... she battled cancer for almost 10 years. I wasn't able to say goodbye to her ... to anyone. I gave my mom a hug 12 years ago and then had to flee. I have felt like my legs and arms have been cut off ever since. We were such a close family.
Mom and my sister know where we are now... have just recently felt safe enough to call them after all this time.They still can't tell anyone where we are or that they are in touch with me. I thank God for that I can at least hear their voices..... But for the rest of my family , my girls and I don't exist anymore. I feel sooo sad... and angry, very angry. I can't stop crying.
I saw my baby grandaughter today and managed to stop crying so I wouldn't upset my sweet Kat.Had a panic attack after she left .Tried to have a rest but couldn't stop thinking mordid thoughts. Life is so hard. I feel afraid for Kat and what life will make her endure. ... and for my daughters who have suffered so much already... and for my family back home. I just want to scream.... I want to go home! I've been having nightmares lately of my mom dying and of not being to attend her funeral. !!!I wake up every morning crying and shaking! My insides are hurting so much,,and my outsides hurt too. I feel really alone and helpless.
51 yr.old retired RN,Crohn's D for last35 yrs..severe esophagitis, migraines,strictures,urethral stricture,depression,probable MS.,RLS, arthritis, PTSD ,general anxiety disorder.