Just when things were starting to go good and my anxiety was calming down, WAM, and here I am again. My son had diareah and now I am freaking out worrying about
if he's gonna get sick. And if he gets sick, will I get it too? And then will Jonathan get it as well? I am so scared of this. Rather than gaining weight it is my biggest fear. And I know this all sounds so stupid because even if we did get sick, it would be over in about
a week. And then we would be fine again. So then why, if I know that, am I so scared of getting sick? I'm not scared of getting a cold or anything like that, it's the stomach bugs that scare me so much. I dont know what to do. I dont think I'm gonna get any sleep and I am already so tired from working all day. Plus I have to work tommorow and I have to fix my den before I go to work. I just had this really bad feeling about
painting our den, but I didn't mention it to Jonathan. I just knew that if we did this, we would get sick. And now I'm afraid we are. Plus, my therapist had me to turn on a certain lamp, that I refuse to turn on because I know if I turn it on we will get sick. So I have been leaving it on since Thursday. And now this. I told her I shouldn't turn on that stupid lamp. I'm gonna burn it. I hate this so much. If I'm not depressed I am completely anxious and wired. I just dont get it. It's like I'm noctornal or something. I guess I need some different meds. But I will have to wait until I go see that eating disorder doc. I just dont even know if I can make it all the way to his office. It's in Nashville and I have never driven there by myself, or even at all. I have never driven in a crouded town like that. Or on an interstate. I dont know if I can do it. And I cant have somebody take me because my husband cant take off work anymore and I dont want to tell anyone else in my family. They cannot be trusted with this. I could ask my mother-in-law, but she betrayed my trust when she told all of my family about
my eating disorder when my and Jonathan were seperated. So I am either gonna have to drive myself, or tell somebody. Either way is so scary and anxiety triggering. Plus, I dont want to gain weight. I want to lose it. I need to lose so much more. I just dont want anyone to stop me because I have enough trouble staying on a diet without someone constantly pushing food in my face. I just dont know. I am so exausted with all of this. I need some major help and I dont know what to do. I just feel like going to bed and never ever getting up. I really would do that if it weren't for my son. I cant abandon him like that. Which is why I think I am so stressed. Because I know, that no matter how bad I feel, he is still going to need me. And how am I supposed to raise a good healthy kid when I am so screwed up myself? I dont know what to do. I am so tired. I dont know how much longer I can function like this. I dont know when, but I feel a major meltdown coming on. A meltdown I might not make it through. I am so scared. I'm sorry for whining and complaining. I just dont know what to do or where to go. I just know that I need yall so much right now.