I am normally over in the crohns forum, but I have been observing the situation. This really has become a situation that I think both of you need to think about
seeking professional help, both individually and together for intensive and also an extended period of time (this could even mean inpatient care or long term therapy, but there is no easy fix, it is something you have to work on and it can take years, but better to get it resolved now and not 10 years down the road). We can support what you are doing, but does not replace the work you two (both individually and together) need to do in therapy.
I strongly suggest you seek professional help and stick with it, both of you.
I am sorry if this sounds harsh, but this situation really is beyond the purview of this forum and out concern for you two, and your childrens' health and welfare, I suggest intensive and extended profession help.