I have posted an introduction about myself on this site,so won't bore you all with more of the same.I have suffered with chronic depression for decades,and it's different each time.At the moment I have a really nasty combination of depression.severe anxiety,and OCD.I'm on lots of meds(Citalopram 60mg,Mirtazapine 45mg,Trazodone 150mg,and a reducing regime of Diazepam(30mg a day at the moment)).You would think all these meds would knock me flat out,but no such luck---still waking early,OCD rituals still going strong,and a horrible feeling of unfocussed anxiety.I am very lonely and isolated,and although I have a wonderful loving husband,I feel my illness has drained all the fun from our relationship,but
when I'm well,I really love my life.
My mood gets lower as the day goes on,hence this post(it's 3:30 pm here).I have phoned the Samaritans every afternoon this week,but I feel they think I'm a self-absorbed bore,as I'm not actively suicidal at present.It's like there's a heavy weight of dark despair pressing on my chest,and this horrible feeling kicks in as soon as I wake up.The most ordinary things make me afraid.I haven't been able to leave the house for a while,but tomorrow we hope to go to one of our favourite places--a nature reserve,where you can sit quietly and look at the water and feed the birds.I find this place so soothing and wholesome,but we've tried to go there before when I've been ill,and I've ended up weeping and terrified,for no apparent reason.So it may be too soon to try,but I feel I MUST.When I'm well,I go to the gym,but the past couple of months I'm too afraid to go,even though I know I would find a good workout and a swim very therapeutic.All the joy has been sucked out of my life.
I have to keep telling myself that this horrible thing will go away eventually,as it always has,but there's always a fear that this time,it's here for good,and the happy life I so enjoy with husband will never return.I used to be a useful member of society--degree in English,qualified psychiatric nurse,Master's degree in Social Work----I was good at my job(I was told)because I empathised so much with my patients/clientele-----little did anyone know that some of the time I was as ill as they were,just hiding it better.
Sorry for the long(and probably self-indulgent) post.I just really need some human contact.Mental illness is very isolating.Thanks to whoever takes the time to read this.