Buddha... You are doing remarkably well... I am so proud of you... I'm concerned about that tooth.... it will abcess if you don't see a dentist soon.... you may also need an anitibiotic and stronger pain meds before they can touch that tooth... I know , more scrubs, more meds, more to face.
Your nightmare about you screaming "I'm so sorry mother" is typical with PTSD... you may not have said it out loud then but your mind and heart were screaming those exact thoughts at the time you had to do someting so impossibly difficult .
I think if she were able to, for one moment, come back and talk to you this is what she would say. : Thank you my dear sweet son... for taking such good care of me... for loving me the way you did through all the difficult , trying times... for having the courage to end my suffering... I am in such a beautiful, peaceful , happy place right now... my pain is gone... all I know is LOVE. My love for you is everlasting... I am here, in your heart , to help you through all your grief and guilt... but now it is time to give up the guilt... You helped me be in a better place... you ended my pain and my suffering and I love you so much for it! :" She would give you a big hug, she would take your sweet face in her hands and tell you that she loves you and that if you had not had the courage to do what was needed by pulling the plug... she would still be suffering.
Your dreams will lessen over time... with PTSD... when we are unable to speak the most painful parts of our memories and hurts... your mind releases it /them through your dreams... your mind is like a big old strainer... it is letting go of the unnecessary, harmful stuff one bit at a time. Soon your dreams will change, I promise... Remember that I suffer from PTSD also, as do my two girls... The pain you are feeling in your tooth and face is triggering more memories to surface...
Take care of yourself... see to that tooth... One step at a time... You are doing so well... I want to go over there and give you a big old hug and pat on the back!
Healing thoughts and prayers dear Buddha...
51 yr.old retired RN,Crohn's D for last35 yrs..severe esophagitis, migraines,strictures,urethral stricture,depression,probable MS.,RLS, arthritis, PTSD ,general anxiety disorder.