You, my sweet lady, are in need of therapy and until you get to the Doctors on the 7th please stop the "stinkin thinkin"
Don't indulge in stinkin thinking, "Why can't I be normal ? Why does this have to happen to me?" Just accept what is happening to you. If you do this, what you fear most will not happen.
You are not "nuts", nobody here is. Your just a wonderful person with a mental health disorder and with therapy and perhaps medication you will get past this.
Remember it is not other people that define who we are, that is your job.,
Leave the past where it is. Don't dwell on it and never wish you would die as you are an important person and the world is a better place because you live and serve within it.
I am going to post a couple of crisis numbers for you.
Crisis Help Line | For Any Kind of Crisis 800-233-4357
NDMDA Depression Hotline | Support Group. 800-826-3632
My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to......
I am praying your new job is working out well.