I recently bumped into a friend I had not seen in several years.
After exchanging basic pleasantries, the aforementioned person went on to say "Geez Maz, you REALLY let yourself go." I was also advised to "watch what you eat, Maz- and look into getting a personal trainer."
Really? Thankyou. Thankyou for pointing out that I have gained weight because I certainly had not noticed. Thankyou for pointing out the blatantly obvious, you ignoramus. (Also- I have not LET myself go- I have gained weight due to factors that are out of my control- antidepressants and physical illness)
Up until 21, I was blessed with the metabolism of a horse and ate accordingly, without ever concerning myself about weight gain.
After battling chronic illness for more years than I care to remember, I HAVE gained weight. Sickness and medication have made it hard to conform to the stereotype that society demands of me.
In high school I was teased for being underweight, and I was. I'm a tall girl who never wore more than a size 8. It was out of my control, I ate healthily and plentifully and still looked like a stick. Comments such as "why are you eating? we know you are just going to throw it up." peppered my high school lunch times.
Fast forward 10 years and I feel battered and bruised because I am no longer able to excercise due to arthritis and when I look in the mirror, I am not happy with the reflection.
I never gave a darn what others thought about me all those years. I was confident, strong willed, different.
Relationships have ended because (quote) "you are twice the girlfriend I began dating." (said to me after surgery, in my hospital bed- and I weighed 60kgs at 179cms- are you kidding me?)
I am acutely aware that my physical appearance has changed. I have mourned and grieved the loss of body confidence I had, but now lack with severity.
I often feel worthless because I am "curvy".
But this is wrong. What kind of message are we sending to teenage girls about appearance? I have students with eating disorders, students who self harm because they don't fit the criteria that the media has bombarded them with.
I will not apologise for gaining weight. I refuse to spend another minute concerned with my physical appearance. I should not have to justify my weight gain to anyone- yes medication and illness make it very difficult to lose weight but any people of value in my life will care for me regardless and realise I'm the same person I have always been.
I am smart, articulate and honest. I am creative, kind and thoughtful. I have strong morals and a personality I do not wish to change. I eat what I want. I'm no less worthy of happiness than when I was skinny.
If people can't see past that, it's their problem and not mine. Who knew that gaining extra kilograms would sideline you, sit you out, leave you to gain dust on the shelf?
You are darned if you are too skinny, darned if you are not. I have never experienced a happy medium. Yes my physical appearance has changed. And no, I don't always like it.
I recently had a student raise his hand in class. When I called on him, he said "Miss- you are built like a boy. You have NO butt. You don't even have a waist. Whats with that?"
Aren't children wonderful?
I am certain that my next relationship will not be built on superficiality. It will be based on a mutual respect for each other, with honesty, communication and lots of laughs. I will never again change who I am in the slightest to keep a guy happy.
If I lose weight- that would be nice. If my health was to improve, that would be great. At this point in time, I am a work in progress, far from perfection, deeply flawed, but a child of God, facing the demons of my past, looking forward to a brighter future also.
I know i am not the only person whose body has been changed by medication- just needed to get that off my chest and have a vent, cos boy was i angry.
"Curvy" Maz XX
'He heals the broken hearted and binds up their wounds.' (Psalm 147:3)
Panic Disorder, Agoraphobia, CFS, Fibro, TMJ disorder, Endometriosis, PCOD, Chronic E.N.T infections, Reactive Arthritis, Sinusitis, IBS, Allergies, Chemical/Noise/Light sensitivity, Trichotilomania, Seasonal Mood Disorder, OCD.
Meds: Zoloft 150mg. Xanax 4mg. Celebrex. Mobic. Panadeine Forte. Digesic.
Multiple surgeries- I bear the scars of my poor physical health.
Age:28. First diagnosed at 14. Proud Aussie.