This is a thread that is SO close to my heart......
IT is me for sure
I was 8 yrs old and raising my brothers and sister
To this day they figure I can fix it all for them
All they have to do is ask and "oh yeah ....make me feel guilty" ....lol
WELL it was always me and yes I would put their problems with money or not having food on my shoulders and I would make all the calls and find the ways to help them out ya know
I did not want to say NO for fear that they would think LESS of me
I had to FIX it all for them so as not to lose the Love and Respect I thought this was bringing me........... ...All I was doing is doing things for them that they could and should have done for selves I realize now ........
I was never a real assertive person other than at my Retirement Home cuz there I had lives that were in my hands and I was responsible for them
1)Case and point......I had to FIRE Cait's bio dad for drinking on the job( was on nights and looking after residents ....THAT had to be 1 of the hardest but also a no brainer thing I had to do ......some in my family still make me feel bad for doing so ....or try to .......I dont
I knew what he was doing was so wrong...........
2) I was the only one that looked after mom and dad till their deaths ..I cannot count the number of times I asked for help as I was sick with IV and crohns but to no avail.....Cait had to jump in and she from this has grown up alot faster then I wanted her too
3)My son Rick is 34 and out in Alberta and was doing GREAT.til his ex wanted him back for the money and now he is broke by day after pay day and he makes a thousand on pay.....
I truly do get upset when ppl think I am being mean like son he will throw guilt trip my way and expect monies to be there for him.........NO MORE.......TOUGH LOVE
I literally had to tell my brother it was TIME he moved bback home and pay for gas money to come back and forth to here for work....he was caught in an out and out lie about finding a place..HE was not looking........he had it great here 3 squares a dy and a luch ,thermos for work drove to and from work had the rec room t.v. the works
NEVER would he think I would go thru with it
BUT I DID...........TOUGH LOVE
I laso know he realizes now he could have done things differntly and they would not be in the bind they are.........
Siblings have not got the memories and the great times I DID have with mom and dad burnt into their minds ......I can do a replay whenever I feel the need to
THEY would have IF they had of helped.........TOUGH LOVE
I have come to realize that I have to be assertive to a point not where I will or want to hurt someone but for them to know I am not just here to walk all over
I am a YES person
Or I was.........
I use to feel so bleeding guilty saying no and I would let it play in my head for days ......same as what they said to me.....it would break my heart to hear them but I knew I could not give in I had to follow thru........
A little assertiveness does go a long way as does saying the dreaded word NO......IMHO
For me especially around the Holidays as I have lots so many loved ones at the Holidays it seems .......and yes I am somewhat fragile but a lot stronger than I use to be BUT I know to KEEP my health and Anxiety to a minumum of issues and problems I cannot be all to them
I may not want to be ya know
I DO have family and God knows I love them but at what cost to my health is it for them to be giving me honest love????
I guess all what I am trying to say is this
YOU cannot do it all
YOU have to look after your own health and anxiety /depression issues and
YOU cannot WEAR the mask daily
IT MUST COME OFF
It does not hurt to say NO once in awhile
Let the guilt slide off your back ( U have no reason to be guilty)
STart out slowly with learning to be assertive NOT hurting ppl but letting them know YOU have a backbone
When you do this to me .......It makes me feel very bad and guilty ..why???
When I cannot send you monies or help you with monies ...........YOU put me on the "not talking to list" ( put your ? in this spot /Circumstances)
You make me feel ANGRY when you ..........Walk all over me ...I will not allow that anymore..I do not deserve it
You make me sad and hurt.................................. when you feel I am being selfish if I wont help you ........I cannot allow that anymore either
THERE are so many different scenario's here as for the most part a/p ppl and depressed ppl are GIVERS ....Givers of anything and everything
Never expecting things in return..........you can surely put your own excerpts into your posts ...............
Family IMHO are the worst for this as THEY know you and what buttons to push with you so having to say NO for once is not going to bring down the world..actually you would be surprised how GOOD you feel for standing up and being recognized as a stronger person than your family thought or KNEW before
These are just a few great things I have learned with the HW pl and my HW family.........
I CAN say no I do say NO and wow I am not EVIL .........
I have shown ppl I am stronger than I was before and I am not as easy to get around as once was........
I HAVE GROWN...........Taking Baby Steps yes ..........but still I have made alot of progress.........with your support and my needs
I cannot have my heart nor will I allow my heart to hurt for unessary reasons anymore
..wasted energy ....wasted life........
THis is why the family here and the ones I am so close with mean the world to me
YOU have seen the old me yrs ago and now the new me
I am not mean nor rude I am just assertive and still very supportive of all that you's want to do
I guess I just had to see what you have to say about this all ...........POST if you care too
Luvs to all
DX: Crohns,Pyoderma Gangrenosum,Anxiety/Panic,
Fibro & Other DD
Donate at www.healingwell.com
CO Moderator @ Anxiety and Panic........Co Moderator @ Crohns
~ FIGHT the FIGHT with all YOU HAVE ~
Look For The GOOD, Even At Your Lowest
We Have Anxiety and Panic...................Anxiety and Panic DO NOT Have us