I'm sorry to be so sporadic on the forum these days. It seems that every time I've turned around since Thanskgiving, it's been pointed out to me that I screwed up in some way: my colleagues, my family, my clients. I know that's just my self-talk machine going into negativity overdrive, but I'm not having any success in making it stop.
I have made a few mistakes, including a stressful one yesterday: I interpeted a rule very generously for a client who likely doesn't deserve it. (I work in a public agency, can't say any more due to confidentiality, and we work with large numbers of the general population, most great, some not so much.) I got a snipe-y, condescending voice mail message from someone in the department I had sent the client to, who didn't feel that I should have done that. When I mentioned it to my superior this morning, he just started talking about how he never does what I chose to in those circumstances either. I feel even worse now.
I don't see my therapist until Friday. Until then, I'm trying not to fall apart. It's just so hard to learn from my mistakes - like this one - all I have to do is decide I won't make the same choice again for a client - without having them take on this heavy, end-of-the-world life of their own. So what happens instead is that I sit here at my desk beating myself up. I always feel like I ought to create some grand, "absolutely no exceptions allowed EVER" policies to protect myself from ever facing those mistakes/problems/choices again, and that I failed - AGAIN - because I didn't create rigid enough rules to cover all the bases. Yet I want to be flexible (within the agency's general guidelines), because I genuinely think people deserve to be considered as individuals. Unfortunately, a few of my clients really push the envelope. Then I struggle to reconcile being flexible with feeling taken advantage of. It sucks. I get so massively anxious; on a scale of 1-10, I'm at an 8 or 9 right now. In fact, I almost took a xanax today for the first time in nearly a year.
Sorry to dump in such a long post, everyone, but it makes me feel a teeny bit better just knowing you're all out there, and that you care. I'll be catching up on everyone else's threads soon. Just do know that I care about all of you in return, even if I haven't been online.