Struggling against negative self-talk - semi-RANT

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Veteran Member

Date Joined Jul 2005
Total Posts : 1952
   Posted 12/3/2008 10:10 AM (GMT -6)   
I'm sorry to be so sporadic on the forum these days.  It seems that every time I've turned around since Thanskgiving, it's been pointed out to me that I screwed up in some way: my colleagues, my family, my clients.  I know that's just my self-talk machine going into negativity overdrive, but I'm not having any success in making it stop. 
I have made a few mistakes, including a stressful one yesterday:  I interpeted a rule very generously for a client who likely doesn't deserve it.  (I work in a public agency, can't say any more due to confidentiality, and we work with large numbers of the general population, most great, some not so much.)  I got a snipe-y, condescending voice mail message from someone in the department I had sent the client to, who didn't feel that I should have done that.  When I mentioned it to my superior this morning, he just started talking about how he never does what I chose to in those circumstances either.  I feel even worse now.
I don't see my therapist until Friday.  Until then, I'm trying not to fall apart.  It's just so hard to learn from my mistakes - like this one - all I have to do is decide I won't make the same choice again for a client - without having them take on this heavy, end-of-the-world life of their own.  So what happens instead is that I sit here at my desk beating myself up.  I always feel like I ought to create some grand, "absolutely no exceptions allowed EVER" policies to protect myself from ever facing those mistakes/problems/choices again, and that I failed - AGAIN - because I didn't create rigid enough rules to cover all the bases.  Yet I want to be flexible (within the agency's general guidelines), because I genuinely think people deserve to be considered as individuals.  Unfortunately, a few of my clients really push the envelope.  Then I struggle to reconcile being flexible with feeling taken advantage of.  It sucks.  I get so massively anxious; on a scale of 1-10, I'm at an 8 or 9 right now.  In fact, I almost took a xanax today for the first time in nearly a year.
Sorry to dump in such a long post, everyone, but it makes me feel a teeny bit better just knowing you're all out there, and that you care.  I'll be catching up on everyone else's threads soon.  Just do know that I care about all of you in return, even if I haven't been online.

Elite Member

Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 12/3/2008 10:20 AM (GMT -6)   
Good Morning Percy,

On my scale you are a 10. I do much better with praise then snide criticizm. ((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))

“Love yourself—accept yourself—forgive yourself—and be good to yourself, because without you the rest of us are without a source of many wonderful things.”

Leo F. Buscaglia

Love ya sweetie,


Post Edited By Moderator (Admin) : 8/7/2010 10:59:13 PM (GMT-6)

getting by
Forum Moderator

Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42612
   Posted 12/3/2008 10:33 AM (GMT -6)   
Hi Percycat,

We do learn from our mistakes, and believe me, I have made many. It feels overwhelming at the time, but please forgive yourself, in your eyes, it must have been the right thing to do at the time. Maybe it wasn't so wrong after all.

Give yourself a pat on the back for all the wonderful things that you do. You are a wonderful intelligent person and you deserve a huge (((((((((((((hug))))))))))))))).

Have a great day,

Luv and hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies

Forum Moderator

Date Joined Oct 2008
Total Posts : 7349
   Posted 12/3/2008 11:24 AM (GMT -6)   
Hi Percycat

Work can be a hard place sometimes if you suffer with anxiety and i also beat myself up if i make a mistake at work so i can relate to how you are feeling. As Karen says we do learn from our mistakes so dont beat yourself up to much and know that we all have lots of respect here for you on HW and are here to support you.

My thoughts are with you percy

Take care


Elite Member

Date Joined Apr 2005
Total Posts : 14995
   Posted 12/3/2008 12:53 PM (GMT -6)   
(((Percycat)))) Hope tomorrow is a better day for you!!!
Been living with Crohn's Disease for 33 years.  Currently on Asacol, Prilosec, Estrace, Prinivil, Diltiazem, Percoset prn for pain, Zofran, Phenergan, Probiotics, and Calcium.  Resections in 2002 and 2005.  Also diagnosed with Fibromyalgia and Osteoarthritis. Currently my Crohns is in remission.

Regular Member

Date Joined Mar 2006
Total Posts : 310
   Posted 12/3/2008 1:21 PM (GMT -6)   
Hey (((Percycat))), I've been known to make exceptions when I think it will help someone, and yes, I've been questioned about those decisions a few times. It happens. You did what you felt was best at that moment. Try not to beat yourself up over it and know that you are doing the best you can.

Dx Crohn's Disease 1996
Have taken Prednisone, Pentasa, Rowasa, and Asacol
Currently on Asacol 2400 mg daily to manage remission

Veteran Member

Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 2721
   Posted 12/3/2008 7:35 PM (GMT -6)   

Percycat, sweet one,

You are one beautiful person and we all make mistakes. I made a biggie yesterday, and spent half the night fighting off tears and negative self talk. shakehead I know how you are feeling K? Don't beat yourself up..I know you do what you did out of care and concern beacuse you are all heart. That is all we can do. Be true to ourselves and trust that we are following our hearts. Stay occupied dear friend, know that we are all thinking of you, miss you and wish you peace.

Love, hugs, Meg

Co-moderator Anxiety/Panic
Panic Attack Survivor

Elite Member

Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 12/12/2008 12:15 PM (GMT -6)   


Hey there my sweet lady, I have not seen any thing of you since 12/3.  We are all missing you and wondering how you are?

Support groups are a place for people to give and receive both emotional and practical support as well as to exchange information. People with health conditions, as well as their friends and families find support groups to be a valuable resource and get confirmation that their feelings are "normal", educate others, or just let off steam. IMHO joining a support group is joining a family.  You have joined us so now you are a valued family member and we are worrying about you. eyes

You are needed here and wanted here as you are a wise and wonderful family member.  Please join us.  turn  

Peace begins with a smile,




Kitt, Co-Moderator: Anxiety/Panic & Depression
& GERD  Forums
*~* *~*
Not a mental health professional of any kind
It is health that is real wealth and not pieces of gold and silver.~Mahatma Gandhi~
Clickable Link: Anxiety-Panic Resources

New Member

Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 12
   Posted 12/12/2008 1:30 PM (GMT -6)   
Boy do I know how you feel! Even the smallest mistakes at work get me all worked up and anxious and feeling all kinds of out of whack. I try to put things into perspective though. For example, maybe you made a bad judgement call on this one. But, it's a job. It's not you. It doesn't make you a bad person by any stretch of the imagination. People make mistakes all the time. Your boss, your co-workers, everyone. It just stinks for people with anxiety because we get sooooo worked up over even the smallest things. So just remember, it's just a job, no one's life is hanging in the balance. And people have probably forgotten about it already. Don't beat yourself up!!

Veteran Member

Date Joined May 2005
Total Posts : 4219
   Posted 12/12/2008 10:35 PM (GMT -6)   
I think you should pat yourself on the back instead. It is ok to be independent. It is a lot easier to ask for forgiveness than it is to ask for permission. Instead of thinking about your mad coworkers think about your happy client. You were in a situation where you were going to tick off one of two people - your work or your client. You decided that your client needed help and you stuck your neck out. You knew you might get flack. You didn't make a bad decision or a wrong decision just an unpopular one. But you already knew that!! And your client is still getting services. So have a giggle and think yup, I got away with that one. You are still employed right? Then you did it! No need to worry. And remember that supervisors often tell you that you did "wrong" because they have to - meanwhile deep inside they think you did the right thing.

In my old job I bent the rules a lot and knew I would hear about it - but I had the smoothiest running shifts as anyone and the least number of people getting hurt. My supervisors were thrilled even though they had to frequently inform me that I had departed from procedures.
27 Year old married female law student (last year!!). Diagnosed w/ CD 4 years ago, IBS for over 10 years before that, which was probably the CD. I am sort of lactose intollerant too but can handle anything cultured and do well w/ lactose pills and lactaid. For crohns I am currently on Pentasa 4 pills/4x day and hysociamine prn. I also have bad acid reflux and have been on PPI's since age 13. I have been through prilosec, prevacid, and nexium. Currently I am on Protonix in the morning and Zantac at night. I also take a birth control pill to allow some fun in my life.

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