Hi- im struggling. As many of you know, im a high school teacher, 4 days a week. i cant handle 5 days a week as my health just does not permit it. The 4 days permanent has been great for me.
I was given the news today that my position is to be reduced to 2 days per week starting next yr, as they are making budget cuts. Im not the only teacher who got this news today. Its still upsetting news. I need more work than that. i will be able to pick up work at the same school as a sub, but its far from ideal.
But i am concerned- its a double edged sword: im relieved to have the opportunity to rest my body more, however i NEED the money due to my own foolishness with credit card debt and student loans. i have chopped up the credit cards and am just paying them off. my medical bills and private health care are a massive drain on me financially. Ive moved home with my parents as i cant afford to rent in sydney at the moment.
Even though they are loving and gracious i feel i am a burden. I need my own space back, and i want them to have theirs as well.
I try so hard to be a responsible adult, and i continue to fail. my physical health is worsening and my agoraphobia is creeping back into my life.
even though ive had severe AP since i was 10, i was always the popular life of the party. these days im a virtual recluse.
i just want to be sick- i have a stomach virus, and on another note, my cat scan showed that my sinuses are basically rotting in my head (sorry for the visual) even though i had major sinus surgery to correct this last year.
im feeling overwhelmed, like im holding on by a thread. i cant say NO to a challenge and i will not let this beat me, but i need to come here and lean awhile as i rest up before the next battle.
If you believe in the power of prayer, i could use some. I have to stay focused on keeping it together, i wear my mask so well. a colleague heard me make a call to my P-doc today, and he wanted to know why i needed to see a psychiatrist- he wasnt rude, just curious i guess. i explained the complexity of what i deal with. his response was that "you are the most 'together' person i know- i would never have guessed."
you get good at hiding behind that veneer, pretending for the outside world that everything is just running so smoothly and that you are in total control, when in reality, that couldnt be further from the truth. my nerves scream as adrenalin courses through my veins- i cried when i woke up today (im not much of a cryer) because i just felt that its so unfair to both 'mentally' ill, as well as so chronically physically ill. its a heavy burden.
its my burden for a reason. I believe God is with me and there is a greater purpose. im kicking myself for being stupid enough to rack up credit card debt, im angry with the world for not seeing that i hurt and that every single day is a battle.
im sorry for venting, i really am- i just feel like a caged animal, trapped by irrational fears and phobias. ive done so well to get past that, and then it flares for no apparent reason. i have 2 weeks left of school. i just want to get through it and then collapse over the christmas holidays.
im too young to be this disallusioned, this jaded, this ambivalent. no one should ever feel like this- the only people that understand are all of you here at HW because you have LIVE with this like i do.
Love, peace and blessings, Maz XX