I usually post in the Fibro board, but not this time. Three weeks ago I could not get a hold of my older brother (age 62). He lived alone. I usually called him every other day, but I got busy and 3 days went by. I called his son and he and I went over there. We found that he had passed away and was on the floor. The medical examiner said he had been deceased for almost 72 hours. He was my BEST friend and I have been devastated. He would never go to a dr, had not been to one in 30 years. He was very fearful of them. He died of a GI bleed, but we did not have an autopsy. We had a beautful funeral for him, and I cry for him every day. Losing him was harder than losing my parents. They had been ill for a long time and I grieved for them before they died. A sudden death is such a SHOCK!!!
My anxiety is thru the roof. I had to call my dr for sleeping pills, as I could not get the image of finding him out of my head. The pills dont work. I cant sleep, I lost 4 pounds, but started drinking Boost and gained it back. Every day is a struggle to get out of bed, to do the chores or cook or shop. I am
pushing myself, and my body is worn out. I get those inside shakes, the heart palpitations, even though my blood pressure is normal, and my pulse is fine. I start thinking of my own mortality. I have a younger brother and he and I are very close, and he is totally devastated. I had a blood draw a month ago for my upcoming physical this Tues. When I called the dr for the sleeping pills, I asked about my blood work. He said "no surprises" and he would go over them when I saw him. I hope he means that my blood work is ok.
I see my psychologist on Monday and I know she will want to put me on an antidepressant, but I NEED to grieve and feel the grief. I dont want to be a zombie, I am not depressed, I am just undescribably SAD!!!!!!!
But I am worried because of the physical feelings I have. The panic attacks hit in the middle of the night. I am afraid to be in crowds. I have had these feelings before, but they are worse since I found my brother.
I guess I am asking.........is this NORMAL??? My husband said I should start perking up, since its been three weeks. Yeah right, I thought people could grieve a full year, or several months. I just need to know that I am ok. I am so worried. Thanks for letting me vent.