Ugh. I swear, I was doing SO well before. I finally got over my obsession with my face...I wasn't constantly worrying that I was about
to stroke out...and for once in YEARS, I wasn't pre-occupied with my heart. Yea, that lasted a grand total of about
a month and a half, if that.
Why can't I just live like a normal, human being? Don't we deserve that?
I go through what I call 'bouts' of panic. I'll be fine for a week or two, or if I am blessed, three; and then all hell breaks loose. I am so darned sensitive to change. Any disruption of my routine causes an on-set of panic, I think. That's a pattern I'm noticing, at least. Sometimes though, the panic/heightened anxiety seems to come out of nowhere. I could be fine one moment, totally content with life as it is, and the next, I become consumed with dying and having heart problems and just convinced that my life is contingent on borrowed time. :(
lol If you can't tell, I haven't seen my therapist in almost 2 weeks. He had to cancel our appt. last week due to inclement weather.
Sometimes (or maybe more than just 'sometimes'), I feel like such a failure. I've had to postpone my schooling due, in part, to my debilitating anxiety and panic. I was so close to becoming a nurse. So close! I had all but one class completed, with a 3.9 G.P.A. to boot. It just makes me want to cry. And now, because I quit 'too early' in the semester, I have a good $2000 bill to pay before I can either A). transfer my credits or B). finish out my studies at that school. So I either foot the bill or I start from scratch or I just give up on becoming a nurse.
I'm a single mother to 4 kids. $2000 just isn't gonna happen. That's reality.
Funny, I can seem to recognize reality when it HURTS me (as in this case), but I fail to acknowledge it if it were to bring me RELIEF (as in my numerous health concerns). UGH, I am just so frustrated with this.
I used to be so care-free. So happy. I used to LIVE life. Sure, I might have had the occassional panic attack, maybe once or twice every few years...but that seems such a small price to pay when in comparison to how I live life now. My panic can last for weeks at a time. With little to no relief. :( I know that others have it much worse than I. And for that, I am sorry to complain. I am constantly trying to find the 'good' in life.
Hey, at least I AM living. At least I am alive.
At least I am comfortable at home, instead of in a hospital. Or homeless.
At least I am here to see my kids learn and grow.
But it is so hard. I am just stricken with worry, guilt and sorrow. I am grieving my death! How sick is that?! And, yet, I am scared to BE scared for fear that I will eventually 'will it' to happen! It is like a catch-22! A never-ending cycle!
I try (hard) to stop the self-pitying, the self-loathing. What helps you? :sigh:
Mommy to 4 kids, ages 5 and under. Yep, I'm crazy. In more than one way!