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Regular Member

Date Joined Feb 2008
Total Posts : 378
   Posted 12/21/2008 12:06 PM (GMT -6)   
Its Christmas time.. to be in the spirit and be happy.  I just cant get it together.  Its been 5 weeks since my brother died and the grieving is getting worse.  On top of that, I clenched my teeth together so hard after he died I cracked 3 crowns and am going thru 2 root canals.  My husband told me to SNAP out of it.  I just cant SNAP out of it.  He makes things so much worse when he screams and yells at me that he is DEAD, so just drop it.  Tells me to start taking care of HIM.  I never stopped taking care of him.  I didnt lay in bed, I am up at 6 every morning, making breakfast, cleaning, laundry,
shopping, I did it all.  I pushed myself and now I am paying the price. Last night I just fell apart.  I started having stomach pains, dizzy, and then was up all night with diarrhea.  I couldnt go to church and my husband said I was just lazy.  Am I wrong here?  or is HE right???  I know what my body can take and what it cant take.  I dont know how to snap out of this, I thought I was suppose to grieve, I thought crying once in awhile was normal. Is it me??????????
anxiety/panic attacks...osteoporosis....Fibro

Elite Member

Date Joined Apr 2005
Total Posts : 14995
   Posted 12/21/2008 12:14 PM (GMT -6)   
Tootie you are right, and Hubby is wrong. Grieving is a normal process, and no two people go thru it the same. So don't feel bad about missing your brother, it has only been a few weeks, go ahead and grieve. Just don't let it take control of your life. I think maybe if you can join a group of folks living with grief such as yourself might be a good place for you right now. Some place to go and share your grief with folks who are suffering the same.

Hugs and God Bless,
Gail *Nanners*
Been living with Crohn's Disease for 33 years.  Currently on Asacol, Prilosec, Estrace, Prinivil, Diltiazem, Percoset prn for pain, Zofran, Phenergan, Probiotics, and Calcium.  Resections in 2002 and 2005.  Also diagnosed with Fibromyalgia and Osteoarthritis. Currently my Crohns is in remission.

Elite Member

Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 12/21/2008 12:23 PM (GMT -6)   

No Tootie, it is not you.  You are 100% normal, however I feel like, IMHO,  your husband is being insensitive to your needs. He is being verbal abusive by yelling at you. That is how what you have posted feels to me and no one should be abused verbally by another.

Be assertive sweetie, just put up your hand in a none threatening way and tell him to stop talking.  Then walk away.

He is not going to understand how you feel.  Don't count on him for that.

Come here and know we understand.

The loss of a significant loved one: a spouse, a parent, a sibling, a best friend, or a child, throws our entire world upside down, creating what feels like a crater- sized hole in our heart, that we often believe will never be filled again.

Please consider therapy to help you through, grief counseling is a great support for you.

Gentle Hugs



Kitt, Co-Moderator: Anxiety/Panic & Depression
& GERD  Forums
*~* *~*
Not a mental health professional of any kind
It is health that is real wealth and not pieces of gold and silver.~Mahatma Gandhi~
Clickable Link: Anxiety-Panic Resources

Veteran Member

Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 6927
   Posted 12/21/2008 12:39 PM (GMT -6)   
He is flat wrong. Plus he is an adult (why does he need someone to take care of him, especially when his spouse is hurting from a very deep loss), seriously he needs to step up his game and be a loving husband (that means he needs to take care of you).

Even though you feel like you might want to be alone perhaps it might not be the best idea, but then again you might need to be alone for a bit. Plus Nanners and Kitt are right, perhaps some grief therapy whether it is group or individual might help.
Your husband is flat out wrong and frankly acting like a little kid with the me first attitude and I also agree with Kitt that it is abusive. I agree with Kitts plan.  However some insight to his manner (and I do not know for sure) is that he might just not want you to hurt like you are. Kinda like he hates to see you in pain, and while he should be wrapping his arms around you and hugging you as much as you need, but he has choosen a rather maladaptive expression and behavior and I am sorry. You do need time to grieve and tradition holds that it is a year (but grief really has no time table) and while hopefully you feel better before then. He does need to give you that at the very least. 
But to help you directly I have a bit of an idea...
I have several brothers myself and I think about what they would want for me, when they were ever gone. Was there something special that you all did together perhaps when you were growing up? (I know this seems silly, but the only movie we could agree on when we were kids was Spaceballs, and seeing that would make me feel like I was spend time with them.) I know you are in pain right now, but perhaps doing something fun you two did together might help you a bit.
I think those we love never truely leave us, they just become angels we know.
Kitt is right too, come here and we will support you.

Forum Co-moderator - Crohn's Disease
...I will find a way, or make one. -Philip Sidney 1554-1586
Make sure your suffering has meaning...
All suggestions/options/opinions are caveated with please consult with your local health care provider...

Post Edited (MMMNAVY) : 12/21/2008 10:52:03 AM (GMT-7)

Regular Member

Date Joined Feb 2008
Total Posts : 378
   Posted 12/21/2008 1:34 PM (GMT -6)   
Thanks everyone.......he just came home from church, never said a word, and I
didnt make him his lunch. My younger brother put together a beautiful tribute to my deceased brother of pics when we were kids, playing in the snow, ice skating,
family vacations, and put it all to the music my brother loved. I watch it on the internet and it gives me great peace. I talked to my psychologist the other day, and she knows how my husband is. Its like you said, HE wants to be first in everything. His ego is sooooooooooooo big, and he feels he is being put second,
and he IS, for now anyways. It was just a bad week and I didnt do my baking yet. Husband said I better get it done. I will, but in my time. I will check into a support group, and then I can relate better to those who have lost someone. My support group was my brothers when mom and dad passed. I guess I am just
exhuasted. I am not depressed, just VERY VERY SAD,and I believe I have that right. Someone needs to knock my husband off his pedestal. Even my sons told him to give me a break, but then he gets mad at them.
I know I will be fine, and thank you all for your insights. You ladies are the BEST

anxiety/panic attacks...osteoporosis....Fibro

Veteran Member

Date Joined Oct 2005
Total Posts : 1256
   Posted 12/21/2008 2:01 PM (GMT -6)   
Sue, I don't think I could give you any better advice than what you just received. And, I agree with the others. Your husband is wrong. I am sending big hugs and prayers your way. Blessings, Julie
Diagnosed with Crohn's March 2006, Fibromyalgia November 2008
Asacol 3 times a day, Remicade 10mg/kg every 4 weeks, Prednisone 12 mg, Miralax,  Prevacid 30mg, Vit B12, Vitamin D, Slow-FE (Iron), Hydrocortisone enemas
Imuran stopped 9/8/08 (possible Pancreatitis)
Paxil 40mg daily (for Panic disorder)
Xanax .5mg as needed (for anxiety attacks)

Green Grove
Veteran Member

Date Joined Oct 2008
Total Posts : 2424
   Posted 12/21/2008 2:30 PM (GMT -6)   
Hello Sue!

Sounds like you have been given really great advice. I'm saying a prayer for you and your family right now. Hopefully you all have a good holiday and try to rememer all the good times. It is okay to feel the way you do because grieving is such an important part of the healing process. Take care of yourself now :)
Much Love, Hugs, Peace and Comfort!!!
Your Bro,
 "We either make ourselves happy or miserable.   The amount of work is the same”
~ Carlos Castaneda ~

"And in the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years"
~ Abraham Lincoln ~

Veteran Member

Date Joined Dec 2006
Total Posts : 708
   Posted 12/21/2008 2:40 PM (GMT -6)   
I couldn't say it any better than Kitt and the others.  Grieving is a very personal thing and each of us does it differently.  It has only been a few weeks since your loss.  Give yourself time.  I do agree that your husband is being insensitive.  I heard a lot of the same stuff he is saying when my nephew died a few years ago.  People at work would say to me "it's not like it was unexpected" or "Sam was dying from the day he was born".  Well, no matter how true those statements may have been, at the time they were the most insensitive remarks I heard and I still remember them vividly all these years later.  Please know that you are in my prayers and please take the time you need to grieve and do it the way YOU NEED TO DO and not the way others think you should.


Anxiety 2007; IBS 2004; Chronic Hives 2002.  Medications:  Allegra, Zantac, Xanax, Darvocet.

Veteran Member

Date Joined Oct 2008
Total Posts : 1683
   Posted 12/21/2008 2:47 PM (GMT -6)   

Tootie, your husband sounds like a grade A bully, not like the caring, supportive partner you need. obviously you need to make the best out of your situation with him, but l doubt talking to him will work  (i get the feeling he is a poor communicator and wont listen...). You take as long as you need to grieve your tremendous loss. marriage is not a dictatorship and there is no time limit on the grieving process- especially at holiday time. p.s id like to see him do his OWN laundry, or baking, or try and do HALF the chores you do, keeping the house and family together- then maybe he'd appreciate what you do.

thinking of you- Maz XX

p.s you can ALWAYS come here for support XX

            'He heals the broken hearted and binds up their wounds.' (Psalm 147:3)                  
Panic Disorder, Agoraphobia, CFS, Fibromyalgia, TMJ disorder, Endometriosis, PCOD, Chronic E.N.T infections, Reactive Arthritis, GERD, Sinusitis, IBS,  Allergies, Glandular fever, Migraines, Anemia, Chemical/Noise/Light sensitivity, Trichotilomania, PTSD, Seasonal Mood  Disorder, OCD, Benign Vertigo,  Impaired immune system. Tachycardia, tinnitus, low clotting factor= bruising. Tendonitis, Bursitis.
Meds: Zoloft 150mg. Xanax 4mg. Celebrex. Mobic. Panadeine Forte. Digesic.
Multiple surgeries- I bear the scars of my poor physical health.
Age:28. First diagnosed at 14. Proud Aussie.

Post Edited (Mazfire) : 12/21/2008 12:54:13 PM (GMT-7)

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