A man walks into the psychiatrists office with a pancake on his head, friedeggs on each shoulder, and a strip of bacon over each ear. The shrink, humoringhim, asks, "What seems to be the problem?" The guy answers, "Doc, I'm worried aboutmy brother."If we can have a good laugh we feel better. :)
Kitt, Co-Moderator: Anxiety/Panic & Depression& GERD Forums*~*
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents totell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kidscame back and one by one began to tell their stories.Kathy said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when we hit a bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess." "And what's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher. "Don't put all your eggs in one basket!" "Very good," said the teacher.
Next little Lucy raised and hand and said, "Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks and the moral to this story is, don't count your chickens until they're hatched." "That was a fine story, Lucy."
Nicholas, do you have a story to share?" "Yes, ma'am, my daddy told me this story about my Aunt Barbara. Aunt Barbara was a flight engineer in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets, then she killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke and then she killed the last ten with her bare hands." "Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?""Stay the heck away from Aunt Barbara when she's been drinking!!!"
That was a good one Sam
Q: What job function does a blonde have in an M&M factory?A: Proofreading.
Q: Why was she fired from her proofreading job?A: For throwing away all the Ws.
........................... .......FRIENDS and Lil Sis's ARE.......................
................................CHEAPER THAN THEARPISTS.......................
. ........I knows this from EXPERIENCE.......... EH LIL SIS.............................. .
( So is the caring sharing and family on A/P forum)
Let's KEEP this family TOGETHER
Here's one called "No More Enabling"
Police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 mph, sir."The driver says, "Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 65, perhaps your radar needs calibrating." Not looking up from her afghan, his wife says sweetly, "Now don't be silly dear, you know very well this car doesn't have cruise control." As the officer makes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you keep your mouth shut for once?"
The wife smiles demurely and says "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did". As the officer makes out a second ticket for the illegal radar detector, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Dangit woman, shut your mouth! NOW!" The officer frowns and says, "And, I notice you're not wearing your seat belt, sir, that's an automatic $75 fine."
The driver says, "Yeah, well you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over to get my license out of my back pocket." And the wife says, "Now dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on, you never wear your seat belt when you're driving the Corvette." And, as the officer makes out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU SHUT THE HECK UP!"
And the officer looks over at the woman and says, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?" "Oh heavens no, officer, only when he's been drinking..."
Post Edited (Green Grove) : 12/26/2008 8:13:25 PM (GMT-7)
Ten Signs That You Are Drunk <!--mstheme-->
1. You lose arguments with inanimate objects.2. You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off.3. Your job is interfering with your drinking.4. Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol.5. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.6. You believe that alcohol is the elusive 5th food group.7. You can focus better with one eye closed.8. Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.9. Mosquitoes get a buzz after attacking you.10. You can never seem to find the exit at the Fun House
LOL. . . I'm so glad I don't drink much anymore
Here is another good link about the health and history of Humor Therapy:
Anxiety 2007; IBS 2004; Chronic Hives 2002. Medications: Allegra, Zantac, Xanax, Darvocet.
Post Edited (Green Grove) : 12/28/2008 9:15:00 PM (GMT-7)
I am being kind of naughty tonight............ There once was a farmer who was raising three daughters on his own. He was very concerned about their well being and always did his best to watch out for them. As they entered the late teens, the girls dated, and on this particular evening all three of his girls were going out on a date.
This was the first time this had occurred. As was his custom, he would greet the young suitor at the door holding his shotgun, not to menace or threaten but merely to ensure that the young man knew who was boss.
The doorbell rang and the first of the boys arrived. Father answered the door and the lad said, "Hi, my name's Joe. I'm here for Flo. We're going to the show, is she ready to go?" The father looked him over and sent the kids on their way.
The next lad arrived and said, "My name's Eddie. I'm here for Betty. We're gonna get some spaghetti. Is she ready?" Father felt this one was okay too, so off the two kids went
The final young man arrived and the farmer opened the door. The boy started off, "Hi, my name's Chuck..." And the farmer shot him.
Loved that one. I copied it to my e-mail and sent it to some of my friends. We all need a good laugh these days at work and this will sure brighten a few faces.
Post Edited (Green Grove) : 1/1/2009 4:27:01 PM (GMT-7)
I needed a laugh and a freind sent this to me:
A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placedhis order He said, "I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and pair of running boards."The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting toappear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook,"This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. What does he think this place is, an auto parts store?""No," the cook said. "Three flat tires mean three pancakes, a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are 2 slices of crisp bacon.""Oh, OK!" said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.The trucker asked, "What are the beans for, Blondie?"
She replied, "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!"