Okay so I'm new I found this site yesterday...
I spent hours and hours reading and reading threads and looked all up and down the site for something similar to what I feel but haven't come across anything....
I feel like I have an anxiety disorder and am soon going to the doctor to get checked out... BUT I don't know if this is a symptom of anxiety or what so PLEASE can ANYONE help and try to explain to me what's going on????
I'M SORRY IT'S SOO LONG BUT I WANT TO TRY AND GET ACROSS WHAT I'M FEELING THE BEST WAY. Please read. =/
I looked for answer through everyone... not really saying I was confused or anything just observing their actions and whatnot.
But then it started happening during regular days and on weekends just hanging out with friends.... I'd get so quiet and detached from things going on around me.
It started happening every time I left the house. (from the first time it happened until this point of confused every time I left the house was about
a month time to develop) Confusion upon confusion.
I'd go out, get confused, want to go home, finally get home and then be in this weird state of mind for hours and days after I went out.
Home I feel usually safe and 'normal'
But daily I get thoughts of people confusing me and being untrue.... paranoid definitely.
It's been 6 months that this has been going on... I never leave the house of fear that it will happen, maybe go out with friends once every 2 weeks. I don't have a job because I don't think I can function properly at it with this going on. =/
I'm a very private person and I never let other know what's going on with me.....
I let one person know around my birthday in October..he was my bf at the time and I was completely head over heels... anyways I was with him a whole week from my birthday on a Thursday til the next Wednesday... he stayed with me 3 of those nights and I upset the whole time and sooo confused I ended up crying and pouring my thoughts out to him saying "I think I'm going crazy" "Do you think I should tell my mom?" "Would you still love me if I was crazy?" He hardly moved or was hardly even paying attention to me when I said all this... all he said was "You'll be fine, it'll pass, don't worry about
, don't tell your mom." I thought..... "wow, some support you are."
Anways the day he left on Wednesday he ended up telling me some things he was gunna get back into and I told him that I couldn't take him doing those things and broke up with him... later to find out he got back with his ex ten minutes after.
THAT^^^^ confused me and hurt me and screwed up my head even worse.
I felt soooo alone cause the ONE person I did tell didn't seem to care or have any advice or was even there for me really.... I didn't wanna tell anyone else again.
But I have CONVINCED myself that the people around me are TRYING to confuse me. They conspire with each other and like 'mark' me cause I don't know. I even told myself that it's a thing about
growing up that I yet know and one day will and the confusion will stop and then it will be someone else's 'turn' that doesn't know.
Last week though I told my mom that I want to go to the doctor and I need to go to the doctor cause something is obviously wrong. We're making an appointment for as soon as possible.
After I told I pretty much made myself go out that weekend with someone I hadn't seen in awhile....
We went to the movies and all was great, then after to a park and still I was doing fine with mild confusion we were talking and kissing and yada yada... then he wanted to get food I was hesitant cause I knew others would be around, I got feelings of anxiety and heavy breathing.... I really wanted to go through a drive-thru.... but it was around 10:30pm and InNout's inside was
open so he decided we'll just eat inside since it was freeezing.
Anyways as soon as we got in he was looking around suspiciously and at everyone, he even said "I wonder if there's anyone I know here" (he doesn't live where I live and doesn't know that many people around here) I thought he wasn't being serious at the time.
Then we sat down and BOOM confusion flooded my head.
I would hear bit and pieces of people's conversation thinking it has something to do with me.... then I thought he was looking around when we first came in to get the people in InNout to confuse me.... I wanted to leave right away as soon as these thoughts came. but he was eating slow and then I thought he was eating slow on purpose so I'd be here longer in this confusing place.
He then started saying embarrassing things fairly loudly and I thought oh great another way of communicating with the people confusing me... I ended up half way through our meal leaning on both my hands not looking at anyone and making sure no one could see my face.. oh and I always pick out corner spots to sit so nothings behind me and I can see everything that's going on.. etc.
He finally got down eating and we left... ended up going to a parking lot and just sitting in his car for an hour... but then I felt everything he was saying was untrue.
He wanted to kiss me again but then I completely flat out said NO... I felt like he was just using me, put me in that confusing state of mind on purpose to like get in my pants or something...
This is just the tip of the iceberg unfortunately... I think I have depression(I've had problems of being really depressed for 7 years but haven't told anyone really, problems with cutting for 6 years, problems with alcohol etc. but since this confusing thing started I've stopped all of those things completely which is HUGE for me)
Anything can trigger the confusion... the t.v, something someone sends me, my family, friends, random people.... I even feel sometimes that the t.v is talking directly towards me in a way if that makes sense....
ANYWAYS I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON!!! UGHHHH
Thanks in advance if you reply...