Thankyou Green Grove
Lil nutty nikki - I think I feel as you describe. I still can't be sure because I still feel so apart from other people, and so inhuman. LIke even if someone came up to me and said they felt exactly the same way as me, I'd still doubt. I don't know whats making me hold on to the belief that I'm "inhuman" so much! I mean, I know I was human before but that just leads to questions like "does anyone even know what 'normal' is?" and stuff like that...
I just feel like I'm not here for any purpose, because maybe I don't feel the right emotions? I feel like I'm not acting normally.
Like when I read your reply just now I actually cried AGAIN and I know I said I felt no emotion before so this sounds kinda contradicting, but there was something MISSING. It might be because of the way you said it, it wasn't bad more like it made me feel happy for a bit. I'm always blanking off and staring into space, THINKING rather than LIVING. This will sound weird but when people talk to me, whether on the phone or in person, I feel like they aren't really talking to anybody because I'm so OUT of it, always WORRYING so much about what to say.
In the beginning that made me believe I was upset/anxious because I had low selfesteem and had some sort of social disorder but how could that suddenly crop up out of nowhere in my life? And how could it lead to such drastic constant crazy thoughts. Because I have been thinking about all of this round and round in my head for soo long now I can't remember when it exactly started but I'm so sick of it. Thats another reason why I think I'm unable to get better, because how could I, when I've been CONSTANTLY thinking weird, bad thoughts for so long? No matter how many times I try to think differently, it's impossible because I don't know how to think normally.
I know this is depressing, defeatist talk but I can't help it most of the time.
I try to tell myself to keep an open mind though
Thanks for the email too