Thanks for the advice. I may take you up on the advice to flee the country. ;)
I have already checked with prescript
ion assistance programs & my doc asked the rep for samples, coupons, anything, but no dice. I am in over my head on my nightmare mortgage but my mortgage company won't let me out of the mortgage contract. I'm trying again with sad letters & a petition to do a Deed in Lieu, but last time they even turned me down for that. My one medication, with insurance, costs $240/month. The Lunesta, which I really need right now b/c I am not doing well without sleeping will run me $360 & the only way my insurance will let me fill it is to get a 90 day supply. I am trying to get another insurance & don't want to cancel the one I have right now until I do b/c I have a serious pre-existing condition that I can't afford to have excluded.
I have been trying for 2 months to find a way to pay for my prescript
ion. It is just no good. My doc is considering dropping the dose b/c I've lost so much weight, but I just don't think I can handle that. I know he's just got my best in mind, but I'm really having a hard time when I don't get the full dose I normally get. It takes an insane amount of energy to job hunt & I just don't have it in me without the meds. I end up in tears & bent over from the pain and I'm pretty sure that won't impress any headhunters. I just want to run & hide until things get better but I know from experience that only makes things worse. Plus, I don't have enough gas money to go more than a few miles so I'm basically trapped here.
I have been on LTD for the past 4 months, which is a scam b/c the way they explained it to me I would have gotten money a month and a half after I went on leave, but instead it was over three months & they barely gave me any money at all. I am losing my home, I've lost my job, I have only a little soup in the pantry & I think I am starting to lose my mind, but see, I can't afford to do that so I need to try to keep it under control and force myself to sleep somehow. I'm just getting so confused. I think I've done things that I haven't actually done & I think I haven't done things that I have and it's all just a jumbled mess in my mind. The only things I do know is that I don't want to cry anymore & I'm so hungry & I really want to sleep. It's just so messed up. Sometimes when I do fall asleep for a little bit I dream about
not eating & blacking out again (it wasn't intentional, I really thought I would be okay as long as I ate at least a little bit of something every day -- turns out 350 calories/day just isn't enough for me) b/c I just want to have a break from this all. But I'm pretty sure that's not really safe and I missed a court date the last time that happened and it cost me a lot of money so even if it is safe I don't really think it's a good plan probably.
I don't know. Things are just so bad right now. I just really need some sleep. The Lunesta people were really nice (too bad Cephalon isn't so understanding) and sent me a coupon to get some free sleeping pills, but those are gone & it is only one per year. My pain doc set me up with some free samples, but they're out of them for now so I'm on my own. I just can hardly see straight & I just want all the horrible stuff to go away. I know I need to work really, really hard to make that happen but I just can't see how I can do that when I'm so tired and in horrible pain.
I can't get unemployment yet b/c my ex-employer hasn't processed my paperwork yet to let me go. I am supposed to get 10 weeks of severance (last I checked), but again, my boss is ignoring me so I don't know what is going on. So I have no income from work. No income from disability (not that it was much). No income from unemployment. Just no income. I'm trying to get temp work, but there's no jobs right now. I'm going to an "
open house" job-fair tomorrow to talk to a recruiter from my former temp agency (they placed me 5 years ago as a temp to hire at the job I just lost). Hopefully they will be able to find work for me while I'm looking for a permanent job. I did get one call already today about
a resume I sent out last night so I guess that's at least encouraging that my resume attracts people's attention, but phone calls don't pay the bills. I just really want work. That way I could at least get some pain meds & some of my happy Lunesta. It really sucks, but I do have BCP, so maybe I will start back on those and see if it will help the depression. They have helped a lot in the past, but I kinda think this is mostly just stress right now. I wish I could think straight. I feel like I'm going crazy. Heck, I probably AM going crazy. I don't even know all I know is that I feel like a mess & I can't sleep right at night & there's just a billion thoughts racing through my mind about
what I should have done, need to do, shouldn't do, could do, want to do, can't do, maybe will do, don't think I can do, think others should do, feel bad about
thinking others should do anything, being angry about
thinking too much, trying to stop thinking so much, trying to think about
positive things & having my mind being torn apart in a tug-of-war between the positive things & the negative things & then wanting to just thing negative things so at least I can stop the warring thoughts, but then resenting that kind of thinking b/c I should be thinking positive thoughts. Oh man, I just need my mind to go to sleep for a really long time. Like maybe 10 hours. Or 14. I'm not sure. But a long time. It just needs so sleep. yeah, sleep. zzzz
I should probably stop for now. I'll write more later.