I am 20 years old, with a 3 year old son. for the last three years, I've limited who i am around and who my son is around. the only people around my son is my immediate family- father, mother, older sister (24), younger brother (11) and younger sister (3). i had my ex boyfriend around, but that was for about a year, from June 07-June 08 when he threatened to hit me. I have my current boyfriend around, but since the new year, he's only been around maybe 6 times. and the majority of those times, my son is asleep. my son also goes to daycare
but anyone else, cannot be around my son. at first, i thought that it was just guys (took almost a year for my boyfriends to meet my son). that was b/c i hoped his bio dad would come along, be a man and want a relationship with my son. three years has gone by and no such luck. so i gave up. but i still cant bring him around guys...
and then i had a female friend come over to jsut braid my hair. my son woke up from his nap, came to the livingroom, sat on the couch and i had what i believe is a panic attack, just b/c the lady could see my son.
another time, i had another baby and that mom come over, just as a playdate and so i can talk with a grown up! the entire time, i feel like i was going through another panic attack.
today. my friend had her birthday lunch. me and my son went to the parking lot. like i drove there and sat in the lot for 15 minutes. i wanted to go in- it was just lunch, but i couldnt do it. i started freaking out- again, another panic attack.
a few days ago, i drove 2 of my boyfriend friends home. it was a 2 minute drive! i was freaking out!
when these happen, i cant breathe, i cant talk. i cant think right. i feel like the world is going to explode, or that they will somehow harm my son. one of the guys had to sit in the backseat with my son and i felt like he was going to smack him- even tho this guy has NEVER fought anyone! at the parking lot, i was seriously hyperventilating, i wanted to beat the crap outta my steering wheel (when i get mad/frustrated, i get physically angry.).. i havent gotten that mad/frustrated in over 3 years (other than the time my ex threatened to hit me) b/c i know what it will lead to- i will start punching walls, people, things, etc. and i dont want to hurt my son, myself or let my son see that (his dad is also a woman hitter). so i control myself and my actions. but i feel like i couldnt today. i didnt hit anything, but in doing so, i just began crying my eyes out.
i dont know why i am like this. I dont even know if its real panic attacks. i am going to the doctors tomorrow, but i feel like they wont be able to help me. I am fine with leaving my son at daycare, why am i not fine with him being around other people- when i'm there as well?! how can i fix it? any other time, i'm fine- it just deals with my son. does anyone have any advice for me? or is there even advice to give/get?