Posted 3/15/2009 2:17 PM (GMT -6)
Hi all, a couple of years ago I suffered a serious bout of depression which was caused by anxiety.
In my case I suffered anxiety through my relationship. In the matter of a day, all I can say is i 'snapped'. One day I was happy, loving, and enjoying my relationship.We'd been together 3 years. Next I felt empty, sad, and whenever I though about my then bf I would get all tight chested, hard to breathe, upset, teary and couldn't focus on my life. All other aspects of my life I never felt that way towards, just my relationship.
It lasted like that for a while, I wanted the relationship, I wanted to be with my now ex bf, I wanted to feel and be happy, but it was like something was holding me back from doing it. I felt sick and couldn't breathe when I thought of him, is this a panic attack?
Anyway it got a bit better but we split up due to him cheating on me, looking back that relationship should have ended long before it did. He was controlling, abusive, and it was long dead. At the time I refused to let go of it, refused to admit it wasn't healthy. After the split I felt fine for a while. I still have seriously down spells where I could curl up and die, cry etc but never the anxious feeling
That was a year ago, and in the last couple of months, I had been getting close to a friend whom I previously was at college with.
We met up and I had a great time, laughed, got on great, felt comfortable with each others company, and I liked him.
Over the two months I have seen him a good few times, I smile every time I'm with him, he texts, or I am on the phone to him. We spoke all the time everyday and it was great. Nothing like my previous relationship. We have respect for each other, allow each other freedom, and all I can say is it was going great. I felt happy as larry about the way things were going.
Only problem was my jealousy, I got jealous of him being with his friends, going out etc. Thats how we were with each other in my last relationship, so I really don't know any other way to be. I also never feel good enough for him, and am always asking if I am. I also always worry about it failing and this puts me into bad moods where I get teary and upset. It's like I have to find a way to be sad and angry where I don't need to be. I can't just be 'happy'.
Then two days ago the 'snapping' thing happened. My strong, happy, smiley thoughts and memories have been replaced with that tight, not being able to breathe feeling and numb thoughts. Before when I used to think of him I smiled and felt great. Now I just feel a dull feeling of emptiness. I feel sick, teary and down whenever I think of him and us. I DON'T want to feel like this. I don't understand how two days ago everything was perfect and now I feel this way. I am questioning my every thought, feeling and movement. But I don't know which ones are real or fake.
All day yesterday I felt like this towards him, but yet I still talked about him to all my friends, text him off my own back and even was with him at night, and I was fine when with him. I don't get it.
I am absolutely gutted that this has happened again. There is no reason for it. He hasn't done anything except be great. He tells me how much he likes me etc everyday, and up until two days ago I felt and did the same. Now when I even think of telling him how I feel I feel sick. This has came out of nowhere again.
I don't want to hurt him, nor lose him. If I finish it just to stop feeling this way he's gonna think I'm crazy. In two days I've totally changed. And I don't know why, or want to feel like this. Whats happened to me? Please help cos I am finding it hard to function.