Last year February (2008) I began having panic/anxiety attacks, I went through councilling and thought I had it under control as of November (2008) but, its back not as bad as before but I know its heading that way again, I'm convinced I'm having a heart attack several times a day, collapsed lungs, aneurisims, cancers...you name it I'm convinced I have it although rationally I know I don't but I'm trapped in the "what if" all over again, I know what my trigger is, it this time of year the anniversary if my Mothers death which was in 2000, she died Easter Sunday, the date that year was April 23rd and because of the holidays her funneral wasn't until May 2nd. The problem is that its such a long period of time with Easter Sunday having a new date every year. Some years its just 2 week period and its all over but some years it can be 7 weeks. Right now I feel like my Children will be left with no Mother (they have a very good Father and hes a wonderful Husband) but I'm their Mother nobody can look after them and love them the way I do, you see this all goes back to the death of my Mother I know how awful it is not to have your Mother and I was 31 when mine died how can my Daughters aged just 6 and 4 manage without me. I use to go to the hospital and Doctor for absolutely every little twinge and I rationalised it to myself that I had a duty to my Daughters to make sure nothing serious was wrong with me, having been through councilling I've so far stopped myself going to the hospital (but have been to my GP) I know they have people who actually have something physically wrong with them to deal with and I'm taking time from those people with my anxiety/panic.
I'm worried that the tightness in my chest and the low grade headache I have are something serious this time so I'm back into the "what if" They've been there for days, I've imagined my funeral and all sorts in the past few days. One of my biggest problems is that I find I am constantly battling with myself....One side of me is saying "go to the Doctor" the other saying "no you've been here before you know your trigger it will pass in a couple of weeks" but what if it doesn't? I'm so out of control right now, I'm scarred I'm going back to the wreck I was last year and its going to effect my Children. My Eldest Daughter had Seperation Anxiety Disorder (mildly) we have no family to help we live in the UK, my Husband is American and all his Family are there and since my Mother died my siblings and myself just don't bother with each other.....
I'm sorry if I've rambled and sorry if parts don't make sense I just needed to get out what I'm feeling right now.
I should also mention I do have actual health issues I have FSHD muscular dystrophy, but it doesn't limit me I am in a wheelchair but do everything a walking person does but from a sitting position. I have regular health checks on my Heart, lungs and neurology and they always come back as normal but the "what if" just won't go away.
Thanks to anyone who reads.