You seem to do a lot of things that could possibly have bad consequences. How about
not doing them? We have to take chances in life. The consequences come with the territory. But don't take any risks that aren't necessary. I'm thinking of the immoral or illegal ones. Life is difficult already without adding these problems to it.
You would do well with a therapist/psychologist. I think you would feel a lot better after seeing someone. Don't make life any harder than it already is. Slow down and enjoy what you have. Try not to overthink everything and please, take my advice and see a professional. Feel better soon!
40 mg. Prozac, Ativan as needed.