Hello. I'm not new to healingwell but I am more of a reader than a poster. I frequent the Crohns forum the most as I've had CD since I was 12, I'm now 37.
Anyway sorry if I may go on a bit but I need to get this out and see if anybody can offer some advice.
My anxiety problems stem back to 1997 when I had my ileostomy, the op was just 1 week after I found my nan dead. I suffered for a whole year after that before I realised what was going on. I've suffered off and on since then. I seem to have gone through periods of anxiety mostly when my health has not been good. I have had long periods of good health and I've not had to take any meds for my anxiety. I always found talking it through with my hubby helped.
I had a upper GI problem in 2004 and had a endoscopy which reveled a bit of mild gastritis in the lower part of my stomach, this cleared up after about 6 months.
Then December 06 I started have more problems, mainly acid reflux. Not heartburn but a feeling of acid burning my throat mouth and tongue. At this time I started suffering from increased anxiety, I feared I would always have this rotten reflux, it lasted for months. I'm pretty sure the anxiety made it worse. My doctor put me on lansasprazole last year and steadily it improved but it would come back occasionaly and I'd worry again. When I had a hospital appointment in December of last year I told my Doctor my worries, I was hoping for another endo to put my mind at ease but he told me my symptoms were not serious and my blood tests were ok and the endo I had in 04 was clear of anything worrying so I should try and not worry. To be honest it worked and my reflux was mild to non existent over Christmas and new year.
Things were looking better. I did still get anxiety and the odd panic attack but when I'm feeling well in myself I find I can cope better.
January 16th 2009. I found my Mum collapsed on the floor. She didn't answer her phone so I went over to her flat, the curtains were drawn. I got this awful feeling, this was identical to how it happened with my nan. My mum had suffered a stroke, a bleed. It was such a huge shock. She'd been on the floor for 12 hours since the night before. My Mum is 72 and very healthy, my dad has disability's, Mum is his carer so things have been very tough. I honestly thought I wouldn't cope when it happened, but I was very proud of myself that I got through it. My Dad is in permanent residential care now, he has dementia and severe mobility issues.
Mum was in hospital for 16 weeks, she is paralysed down her left side, she's left handed which is a shame. Fortunately it hasn't effected her mental health too bad, her speech is ok and she's doing well. She's currently in a respite home whilst her flat is adapted for her needs.
Now that's the back history of my problems. I know it's perfectly reasonable for me to be effected by what I've gone through and usually I'd use that knowledge to get me through a rough patch but I am really struggling.
The whole time My Mum was in hospital I never suffered from any reflux, I could eat anything. I even had mexican a couple of times! Yes I had a few panic attacks, but mainly when I went to the hospital to visit, I am petrified of the hospital. Even though I have been hundreds of times! But these last couple of weeks I've had a terrible time. I do have an elder brother, 15 years my senior, but he works a lot and I don't so my hubby and I have had most of the responsibilities heaped on us. I literally feel broken at times, just able to cry and nothing else.
These last few days I've had a scary chest pain and a lot of wind, the pain is right between my breats and lasts a few minutes then moves to my back. It is also tender to touch between my breasts. It has happened mid afternoon these last few days and has scared me stupid. I really though I was going to die. Thing is when I ate something it passed. When I have been active, doing laudry I have had no pain, so I do doubt it's my heart but try telling my over active imagination that! I really am petrified that one day I will just drop dead. I get a tightness across my collar bone and up into my neck too, but not at the same time as the pain. (I have had this a lot in the past too) Also a feeling of tingly skin on my arms and they feel like I have excess fluid? my rings feel tight and my palms are sweaty. This latest episode all started when I started feeling better after a really bad head cold and cough.
I still haven't had the same acid reflux but I do get a morning sore chest and wind.
I'm sorry if I've gone on a lot or if I've posted this in the wrong place, but my hubby is fed up of my moaning and I really do need someone to talk this through with, I don't have any friends really.
I have a busy week ahead, we have a meeting with the social worker on Wednesday about Mum coming home. I'm also looking after my Mum's flat and her cat, I feel so guilty I've not seen my dad for weeks, he's at a home miles away and we haven't had the money nor the time to see him since he first went there. My brother hasn't been at all. I do ring and check on him and he's OK, I suppose it helps he has a 15 minute memory but I still feel terribly guilty.
Again sorry for the long winded post but I hope just getting this down on err not paper but you know what.... anyway I'm hoping just writing this and reading it back will help. And if anybody can offer any advice I really appreciate it.
"Wherever you may be let your wind go free, church or chapel, let it rattle."