Help me forgive so I can heal

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New Member

Date Joined May 2009
Total Posts : 7
   Posted 6/3/2009 5:22 PM (GMT -6)   
I had prostate surgery 18 months ago. The surgery wasn't  for cancer but to correct a urinary problem. After 3 months of bleeding, pain and infections, the physical healing seemed complete. That's when the the event that triggered my anxiety/anger/depression became apparent. Not only did the surgery NOT correct the urinary problem, it had a noticeable side affect (orgasims are now dry). I know for certain that the doctor never advised me that this would happen. I am on a regime of blood pressure and blood thinner medications, so I asked a lot of questions about bleading, resuming activity, healing and what I needed to look out for. Apparently my questions distracted him, he never got around to mentioning a loss of normal sexual function.
While this loss was unexpected and undesireable, it is not the primary cause of my anger. The fact that the doctor denies not informing me it would happen, the fact that the grievance I filed with the hospital was given all of 5 minutes of consideration and the fact that the complaint I filed witht the state licensing board allowed the doctor to present his defense but I was not contacted for my input all contributed to my feeling helpless and wronged without any way to rectify it. I pursued multiple lawyers about a malpractice suit, but the answer was always the same - It is too expensive and too hard to prove fault in all but the most agregious cases.
It was after all of my avenues of recourse were shut down, I shut down. Just thinking about what happened caused my hands to tremble and anger to build up. I was not sleeping at night and I had lost interest in any activity outside of my job. Thats when I sought profesional help. I have been seeing a therapist for about a year now. The intensity of my anger has subsided, I am sleeping better at night and I am on an anti-depressant (Wellbutrin) and an anti-anxiety medication (Xanax).
My issue now is that whenever I think about what has happened (less now than a year ago) I still feel angry and cheated. Any sexual activity with my spouse only reminds me of what I have lost and so it gets avoided - a lot.
My therapist says I need to get past feeling like the victim so I can move on and that's why I'm here. I tried the Prostate Cancer group, but the attitude there is quite different. They chose treatment, knowing that sexual function would not be the same as before in order to rid themselves of cancer. My surgery was to correct an
inconvenience. Had I known what would (certainly) happen, I would not have gone through with the surgery.
I am having trouble taking the next step toward healing. I found something called the "Anger Toolkit" that says forgivness does not mean that you accept the transgressors behavior toward you. I means that you refuse to carry a painful and debilitating grudge for the rest of you life. Certainly an accurate description of where I am now. Now if I could only make it work for me. I hope this is the right place to be.

Elite Member

Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 6/3/2009 7:13 PM (GMT -6)   
Yes you are in the right place and welcome.  As I read your post I realized that I carry anger and feel like a victim too. You posted " refuse to carry a painful and debilitating grudge for the rest of you life."  I think I am in your boat and have not figured out how to let go of my anger and feeling like a victim also.  For completely different reasons of course.
I have depression and anxiety  and was dx 27 years ago.  Up until a bit over 3 years ago I did very well with occasional therapy and some medication tweaks.
In November of 2005 I had a huge melt-down. I was in a Management position and making very good money.  I had worked for the same company for 26 years.  I could see no way out so I took early retirement and started to draw on my pension.  My boss who also claimed to be a friend was well aware of what I was going through and even drove me home from work one day when I was unable to complete the day.  The company accepted my resignation and no one ever offered me assisstance through our EAP, or mentioned that I had short term and long term disability.
Oh yes, I was offered a tea party with a cake for my big send off that they knew I was sad about.
I was not thinking  well at the time but later realized that I could have very easily used my benefits instead of buring 2  years of my pension one stepped forward to help me.  I had an  exemplary record.
Of course like many others my pension fund lost half of it's value....................I feel angry and cheated.  I feel like people who were supposed to be friends just turned their backs and walked away as no one knew I had depression until I told them what I was going through. Their life moved on while I am stuck in anger.
Reading back over this I appear to be bitter  sad I am with you .  We have to lose these feelings.  smhair
Let us both hope the troups know how to help us let go of the victim role.
Welcome to the world of anxiety and a great forum.
I am so glad you joined.

Kitt, Co-Moderator:
Depression,  & 
*~* *~*
"When you find peace within yourself, you become the kind of person who can live at peace with others."
Not a mental health professional of any kind
Clickable Link: Anxiety-Panic Resources

Regular Member

Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 338
   Posted 6/4/2009 1:08 AM (GMT -6)   
Hello Robbed, I can understand your frustation in not knowing what was going to happen, but as a member of the prostate cancer forum I can tell you that none of us expected what we got either.  I was diagnosed with prostate cancer and parkinsons within the same year followed by carpel tunnel, ITP and that's following a history of stones in my salivary glands which have required surgery.  Not to make light of anyone's situation, but like the bumper sticker said "--it happens."  I would encourage you to both stay with this forum and also the prostate cancer forum.  I understand that if you were planning to have children and now cannot that is a major problem, but without being graphic, intercourse and orgasm in my case feels more intense and lasts longer than before surgery.  Of course there is no ejaculation.  If there is difficulty in getting and maintaining a strong erection Cialis and Viagra will put more lead in the pencil.  Again, there is a wealth of information in the prostate cancer forum regarding post-surgery sexual functioning and other available treatments.  I hope that you will continue to monitor that forum as well as anxiety and depression which is something that most of us in any of the forums can relate to.  I frequently glance through a cross section of the forums to gain information about various topics as I have something of a quasi-medical background (counseling).  It's usually easier to talk to a stranger about these things, but I hope that you are able to discuss these things openly and honestly with your wife.  She can probably be more understanding of what you may consider a "male" problem than you may realize.  Good luck and remember "it's always your turn to talk and no one will interrupt."  

Elite Member

Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 6/4/2009 7:21 AM (GMT -6)   

Great response GTM  :)


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