Ok so I am sorry this is long but if you have the time please read it; I need some opinions from others.
Thanks in advance =)
For as long as I can remember I was an extremely enthusiastic, energetic, positive and courageous child. I used to talk to anyone I felt like, say anything, and do whatever. I actually remember that being that bold was how I had most of my childhood fun and met most of my long standing friends. However, something changed at age 16 when I got my first serious girlfriend. Getting the girlfriend was easy, but once she was my girlfriend and I decided I actually liked the girl is when things got complicated. I started getting nervous and anxious like nothing I had never felt and ended up vomiting. Something notable is during my childhood my older sister had this exact problem and I remember telling her that she had nothing to worry about and how good of a person she was. So did I subconsciously adopt her fear or problem as my own? Or is it just coincidence? Many times my anxiety would happen when I would take my girlfriend to dinner or to a movie, but as time went on I began to get comfortable with her. I figured my problems were over but whenever we would do something monumental or pivotal in the relationship I would again feel nervous. These were things that I really cared about and tried to make very nice and perfect like her birthday, prom, or our year anniversary. From that point on things changed and I was no longer the enthusiastic, courageous, and energetic kid I remember. I became this guy who was always concerned with something and thinking about things way to much. I am 20 now and these issues are still present with women and new and intense social events. Nine times out of ten I am fine at social events but there is that one where I’m completely out of my element and I begin to feel anxious. After I do get these feelings of anxiousness or attacks and I vomit I feel SO SO much better and most of the time I get back out the party, event or girl and end fine and happy; just a little empty, thirsty and in need of a mint ha! Another observation is my anxiety is always worse when I am alone and thinking about the situation rather than if I am actually just put into it. My thoughts tend to be so powerful and come on so fast when I am having an attack. My mind runs wild thinking about the situation but I am never sure what it is exactly I am afraid or anxious about. To this day I still don’t know and can only take guesses. A recent example is a girl that I have spent time with at a few parties and in passing showed some interest in me. We were at a party, both there for separate reasons, we were flirting and instead of thinking about it I just went for it and we ended up getting physical and having a really good time. So, last night she sent me some flirting text messages and says how she wants to get together tonight. The moment I read it my body temp skyrocketed and the attack began and then ended with me vomiting and feeling relatively better. Ironically, two days ago I was reflecting on that party she and I were at and thought that I actually might want to try and date this girl. I feel like when I made that realization or had that thought I subconsciously screwed myself into anxiety. I say this because only after I decided I cared did I get any anxiety. Also, there wasn't any anxiety before I started thinking about the whole situation; her and myself together. Why is it that when I actually care and think do I get anxious? Is acting without thought, like I did, my solution? I can still only guess that the reason for my anxiety is her interest and now that she has shown interest in me I’m afraid of losing it. Why do you think I get anxious? What should I do?
I have tried a bunch of different relaxation methods to cope with my attacks and stop me from vomiting but in general when they do work I still feel horrible; I just don't vomit. But I have found that when I actually just let my vomit happen I feel great, just a little empty and thirsty. I have done a bit of research on beating anxiety or your fears and most say you have to recognize the worst things that could happen because of the anxiety attack. For me I just think "ok let's get this over with so we can get back to the party, etc." and mentally help or control the worst possible result of the situation which is my case is vomiting. This is the best way I cope, I get it over with as fast as I can. I am determined to beat my anxiety, I am just figuring how. During my research of defeating anxiety I found that most people say to strip that which makes you anxious of its power. They say to do this by "flooding" myself with the anxious stimuli to show yourself that the worst case scenario or what you fear won’t happen. I am definitely willing to try this method because I am really tired of vomiting or feeling like I’m going to vomit in social situations. The girl who has recently been making me feel anxious is very kind and I am sure she wouldn’t mind helping me conquer my anxiety. I am guessing that my issue is that I fear that she will lose interest in me (again I really have no idea because I just get anxious with the whole thought of getting together with her). So if I am to flood myself with my issue I should spend lots of time with her and have her show me constant signs of affection? This would make sense considering I became comfortable after a while with my old girlfriends. Or am I afraid that I actually like and want the girl? And if so how do I flood myself with that? I really don’t know, so any incite or thoughts would be greatly appreciated. In general, I am a very logical and empirically thinking person and I can admit to myself that I dig her, she digs me, my anxiety attacks ending in vomit get me nowhere, and I always end up fine. I feel like me recognizing all this and the way I used to be as a child should negate the attacks or at least strip them of their power but unfortunately they still happen. Anyway thanks for reading this and I appreciate any help.