Well, well, well, I just had my first "going crazy and may hurt someone" panic attack two nights ago. I had finally for the first time in three years taken a xanax that the dr. prescribed me. Yep, kept all 30 xanax for 3 years. But this night I'll never forget. I woke up around 3am (mind you I've suffered from pa's since I was 12...including my mom, my dad, my sis, bro, g-ma, you name it just add them all in there) and I thought to myself, "what stops me from hurting someone like my hubby, children, or even myself...why, I could just jump out the window right now." Like I was entering a new realm in my brain. I'm a believer in Jesus but even praying at that point seemed distant from me. Well, THAT added to my anxiety too. I had to wake my husband up even though he just went to sleep an hour before (Hey, that's what loving spouses do for each other) Plus my husband has had PA's before and he usually could talk me down from them...but this wasn't even about my anxiety attack, anxiety shmanxiety, I'd of preferred that instead of this feeling, this thought. How unlike me to have this thought/feeling since I'm such a protective mother a.k.a "mother bear". "Has my mind turned on me?", I thought. I thought I'd never go back to my "normal" self...and THAT is what your mind does to you at that point. Just like the PA's you think you'll never feel calm again...and of course you think you're going to die too. Well, I took the xanax after an hour of racing thoughts...it made me sleep very lightly for 3 hours...but I got the sleep I needed. Finally I got online and took every test I could to make sure I wasn't going "schizo". I passed. The sickening, never ending feeling in the pit of my stomach BURNED...these thoughts kept popping up here and there..."is it a demon?", I thought. That scared the poop out of me. I wanted to run to the nearest church (in which I WILL be attending this Sunday). Well, it took me hours to find this site, and I know Jesus sent me to this site. When I read some of these letters from you guys I was SO relieved. Especially the one's where people questioned whether or not they could/would hurt themselves or others. I know I don't WANT to harm anyone. That's the total opposite of what I stand for. I'd never hurt a fly, well...maybe if it was attacking my food sorry to say. The thought's immediately subsided...but I still wonder what realeased "that chemical" in my brain to get to "that level". I have yet to ask my family if they've ever gotten to THAT point. I'm afraid they'll look at me as if....get this one...I had TWO heads...LOL ROF LOL. Weeeeee! it's fun to be me. I took up doing the "STOP!" thingy whenever the thought of that night comes up. "Just shut up!" just like in the movie Mermaids with Cher.