hi all, im new here and looking for support x x

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New Member

Date Joined Jan 2010
Total Posts : 11
   Posted 1/5/2010 6:00 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi all x x

Im new to the forum and im looking for some hel and support in my 20 year battle with panic and anxiety disorder

I first started having panic attacks when i was just 9, I had horrifying thoughts about death and believed every thing i took part in would cause me to die, not a nice thing for a child to deal with, I havent had the best life possible but in no way have i had the worst either but different events throughout my life have triggered the attacks and I have what I call flare ups

I went through a particularly bad flare up at the age of 19 just after my nana who was everything to me passed away, the dark thoughts and the feeling of dread are the bits i findest hardest to deal with :( I psycho analise everything and beleive i have allsorts of things wrong with me which are going to lead to me dieing young, this drives me insane!!

Back in june I lost a very very close uncle who was diagnosed with oral cancer in the october 2008, had extensive surgery, chemo, radio therapy and was on the road to recovery until things went from bad to worse, he was rushed to hospital in may with what we where first told was exhaustion and dehydration, this then turned to pneumonia and then they added pluracy, a week went by and he started to suffer diferent symptoms and on june 8th 09 we where told he had an inoperable brain tumour and had weeks if not days to live, his 50th birthday was june 10th :(
Me, my mum and my younger sister nursed him until he died at home with us on june 22nd 09, the reason i tell you all this is because i think this has had a major part in my recent flare up

I feel ike im going crazy, loosing control and fear of dying and making myself ill, the gut wrenching feeling in dread in my stomach, the sleepless nights, blurred vision, convincing myself i myself must have a brain tumour, its all driving me insane and well i guess i just need to talk to people who know how im feeling and dont just think im some kind of insane hypochondriac
:edited: because I somehow forgot to mention that despite all the horrible things I have been through and still go through with my panic and anxiety disorder I am mum to 3 wonderful children, 1 girl age 7, and 2 boys age 6 and 3, I also have a wonderful partner who is my soul mate but he really struggle to understand my condition and therefore doesnt quite seem to know how to give me the support and reassurance i need  x

hugglebunny x

Post Edited (hugglebunny) : 1/6/2010 5:53:07 AM (GMT-7)

Elite Member

Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 24909
   Posted 1/5/2010 6:53 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi there..no i dont think u r insane nor a hypochondriac..i think you have had some tremendous losses in your life and maybe it is triggering all this fear of death..i am so sorry for your losses it is hard i know..i hv lost my son..mom dad and others in last few yrs....i hv always feared death but i am learning to find out what i can educate self and be at peace with self..i hope you will stick with us..do you see a doc/therapist about all going on.....keep posting you are no longer alone..lyn

New Member

Date Joined Jan 2010
Total Posts : 11
   Posted 1/5/2010 2:15 PM (GMT -7)   
thank you lyn x
i find that just having someone to talk to really helps me, I need to get myself a laptop for the nights when things get bad so I have something to keep me busy
x x

New Member

Date Joined Jan 2010
Total Posts : 1
   Posted 1/5/2010 3:53 PM (GMT -7)   
i too have anxiety and depression....i work myself up where I want to go to the ER....i get headaches, dizzy and depersonalization.....i am here if you need to talk

Forum Moderator

Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 1/5/2010 4:01 PM (GMT -7)   
Hello there, I am Kitt.
I'd like to extend a warm welcome to you on your first visit to Healing Well!

I have found the support, validation and encouragement that I receive here, to be so helpful and healing. I hope and trust that will be your experience as a member of the HW family.

I have anxiety and depression but have managed through hard work and the help of great friends and my Doctors to lead a normal life and even thow there are bumps in the road I make it through.

I know where you are coming from and what you are going through so welcome to a great site.


New Member

Date Joined Jan 2010
Total Posts : 1
   Posted 1/5/2010 7:36 PM (GMT -7)   
Hello hugglebunny,
 I have to tell you that you are not alone at all!!!  I have dealt with extreme panic and anxiety attacks since I was 15, although I have learned some techniques on how to deal, everytime the eerie vibe creeps up on me I go back to the very first time I felt this way; in which I feel as though something deadly is going to happen to me.  I suffer with hypochondria daily, every week I have a new illness confused every ache and pain, every moment of dizziness, everytime I feel like I am about to choke, I fear for my life. 
I have been on medication over the years, but I am currently only taking ativan for emergency's, as I try to avoid taking them because of dependence and all that fun stuff.
I am very sorry to hear about the losses in your lifetime, events like those surely make anxiety much worse.  Just try hard to remember that you are NOT alone, and you are NOT crazy, and also remember to breathe, deep breaths, this is one method of therapy I have kept with me, always.
Take care and good luck!

New Member

Date Joined Jan 2010
Total Posts : 11
   Posted 1/6/2010 5:49 AM (GMT -7)   
thank you all so much for the welcomes :) it really means a lot to know im not alone x

girlbewildered you sound exactly like me, i dont think i have a new illness every week but i do fret about every single ache and pain and think the worst in everything, if my kids are ill i have to try really hard to stay calm and not freak out!!

My worst fear at the moment is that my children will be affected by panic disorder too, i dont want my babies to go through feeling this way and it terrifies me because my 3 year old son is already showing signs of it,, I would say hopefullly he is too young or atleast i hope so x x

Thanx again everyone x x x
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