Title says it all ,,, I really dont know what to do.... I thought I was losing my mind... it really scared me and for me to say that ( being scared ) is really something,,,
its not like me to be afraid... I have always been the one to get my family ( not just my immediate family ) thru tuff times.. I was always the one to be counted on.. was always referred to as the "rock" that others cling to and depend on
soo much has gone on in my life over the last year I feel like I have been buried...
what it comes down to is I get really "panicky" when i think about leaving the house,,, I have stayed home since just after christmas,,, I cant get myself to go to my work... I can get the kids to school and I rush right home... I can get to the store for groceries but I hurry and rush home.... I sleep alot during the day until the kids get home from school then I am up and active for a while then I sleep again for about 2 to 3 hours... I cant sleep at night.. I am tired but sleep only lasts for 1 to 2 hours at the most.. usually fruaght with nightmares or at least unpleasant dreams.... I am freaked out right now I should be getting up and going to work soon but I cant.. the more I think about getting dressed and leaving the more my heart starts to beat and I get all clammy.. my stomach is starting to flip flop and hurt.... I havent had a problem getting my kids off to school because I am usually up because I havent slept... but as soon as they are off and I am back home boom I am asleep for about 2 to 3 hours and that is the best sleep I get ( though its not good sleep its full of bad dreams and all ) I have been unplugging the phone to avoid what I think will be stress from phone calls,,,
I was lying in bed this morning having woken up about every hour from a fitful sleep// thinking I was going out of my mind ( and as I type this I am getting the worst head ache ) I tried to get back to sleep but after an hour I gave up and turned on the T.V. to watch some news ( all about the disaster in Haiti ) so I turned it to something bland on cable and then I saw a silly infomercial talking about anxiety and depressiona and BINGO a light went off// those are my symptons.... I knew that somthing was wrong with me but I have been afraid to get help from a doctor or talk to family/// My fathers brother is a diagnosed paranoid schizophrenic.. my sister has a bipolar disorder ( or so she says ) my ex wife even has been diagnosed as manic depressive ( and has been on many medications and is now "disabled" due to it ) and I was afriad that I was going CRAZY too I was thinking that what is going on with me is degenerative and permanent// that basically I was nutz... but then I figured maybe its just that life has gotten to me and maybe I can be helped... my relatives that have those issues I mentioned before havent been able to be helped my uncle is wayyy gone, my sister has been in therapy for years and on just about every medication there is ( she is also a hypocondriac ) but they have always been that way and I have not seen any change in them // I have been afriad that I was beyond help as well.. that I would never be able to be the man I was ,, but maybe I can be helped // I dont want to be like this anymore but I dont know what to do
all I can say in the positive is that I havent turned to drugs, alchohol, or anything else that is destructive I dont even take any medications ( asprin or decongestants and only when needed ) am a bit of a straight arrow